This week I have pondered the idea of blogging about something that matters deeply to me that is unrelated to my past blog post. However, I sense that it would be a disservice to you, to me, and to Christopher Ryan Smith to move forward so quickly as to minimize the challenge of losing him. So it is my request that you would be willing to indulge me one more “blog” as I process through all that this season truly means. I thank you ahead of time.
The days that followed learning the plight of my precious and dearly loved Nephew, Christopher, I was filled with rage~~at God, the man, at life…..I raged inside and outside. I cried till my eyes swelled shut. I wrote my thoughts in my journal and then tore out the pages because at the end of the day Chris was still gone and I was still angry. Why?? Why?? Why?? A life cut short.
Monday morning I sat still before the Lord asking for His comfort; He spoke to my heart and said gently “Chris has been with me for a year, and he is happy, content.” This brought sweet comfort to my heart though my head cried out “but I want him here”!!! I realized that day that it is true….our lives are but a vapor, a blink compared to our “real” life with Christ Forever! I turned to the Lord and cried out “Then Come Lord, come back and take us to be with you” , “No more losses Lord, no more”. Again, He spoke to my heart and reminded me that as a family we can learn to grieve and yet live, that He will never leave us, never forsake us.
I love that God isn’t upset, mad, or surprised by my lack of understanding of His ways, I love that He knows me, cares for me, and reminds me of His grace even when I question His wisdom in this…..Scripture says in 1 Corinthians ” that we see see through a glass darkly, but when we see Him, we will know, we will understand , and we will be known.” If 100 people get saved because of Chris’s life in my heart, as his aunt, it still won’t be worth it; I want him here with us!! But God will guide me to understanding one day.
So I am left with this grief, and everyone experiences it in their own way. There isn’t a method, a training, a book or a “way” that can be applied to everyone. Grief is personal and unique. I have had precious conversations with women and men who have lost people they have dearly loved. The words ” I am sorry, There are no words, and I am here if you ever want to talk” are such comfort. Our family is forever changed; Christopher won’t join us for holidays, we won’t get to look into the face of his children, and we won’t share any new life experiences together. And yet God whispers ” He is with me, and He is content.” I choose to trust this and to grow.
Each day I give myself the opportunity to cry from the depths of my soul, and then I choose life because Chris lived his life fully, with passion, creativity, and adventure. He would want no less than that for me.
Have you lost someone precious? Are you on a journey to understand; to trust again? Then I join you in your journey until that GREAT reconciliation day! Let’s choose to honor those we love by grieving well and living fully. And when I see Chris “on that day” I will grab him and hug him so tightly; but I have a real sense that I will have to wait in line…many who love him will have the same idea. 🙂