This week I have pondered the idea of blogging about something that matters deeply to me that is unrelated to my past blog post. However, I sense that it would be a disservice to you, to me, and to Christopher Ryan Smith to move forward so quickly as to minimize the challenge of losing him. So it is my request that you would be willing to indulge me one more “blog” as I process through all that this season truly means. I thank you ahead of time.
The days that followed learning the plight of my precious and dearly loved Nephew, Christopher, I was filled with rage~~at God, the man, at life…..I raged inside and outside. I cried till my eyes swelled shut. I wrote my thoughts in my journal and then tore out the pages because at the end of the day Chris was still gone and I was still angry. Why?? Why?? Why?? A life cut short.
Monday morning I sat still before the Lord asking for His comfort; He spoke to my heart and said gently “Chris has been with me for a year, and he is happy, content.” This brought sweet comfort to my heart though my head cried out “but I want him here”!!! I realized that day that it is true….our lives are but a vapor, a blink compared to our “real” life with Christ Forever! I turned to the Lord and cried out “Then Come Lord, come back and take us to be with you” , “No more losses Lord, no more”. Again, He spoke to my heart and reminded me that as a family we can learn to grieve and yet live, that He will never leave us, never forsake us.
I love that God isn’t upset, mad, or surprised by my lack of understanding of His ways, I love that He knows me, cares for me, and reminds me of His grace even when I question His wisdom in this…..Scripture says in 1 Corinthians ” that we see see through a glass darkly, but when we see Him, we will know, we will understand , and we will be known.” If 100 people get saved because of Chris’s life in my heart, as his aunt, it still won’t be worth it; I want him here with us!! But God will guide me to understanding one day.
So I am left with this grief, and everyone experiences it in their own way. There isn’t a method, a training, a book or a “way” that can be applied to everyone. Grief is personal and unique. I have had precious conversations with women and men who have lost people they have dearly loved. The words ” I am sorry, There are no words, and I am here if you ever want to talk” are such comfort. Our family is forever changed; Christopher won’t join us for holidays, we won’t get to look into the face of his children, and we won’t share any new life experiences together. And yet God whispers ” He is with me, and He is content.” I choose to trust this and to grow.
Each day I give myself the opportunity to cry from the depths of my soul, and then I choose life because Chris lived his life fully, with passion, creativity, and adventure. He would want no less than that for me.
Have you lost someone precious? Are you on a journey to understand; to trust again? Then I join you in your journey until that GREAT reconciliation day! Let’s choose to honor those we love by grieving well and living fully. And when I see Chris “on that day” I will grab him and hug him so tightly; but I have a real sense that I will have to wait in line…many who love him will have the same idea. 🙂
5 thoughts on “The Uniqueness of Grief~~”
Dianna, well said. You touched me with your honesty and vulnerability. Thank you for choosing to trust God through this and for listening to His comforting voice in your heart. Karina
Very beautifully said. I only wish, all of you could have heard last weeks homily, said by our newly ordained priest. It had to do with hate, love and forgiving. It was beyond word’s and really thought provoking. Believe me, the death of Chris has taken me back. Chris and all of you are in my prayers.
Dear dianna. Thank you for your latest blog regarding Chris. Since I first learned of his death, I cried out to God asking why?? Something this horrific shouldn’t happen to his children. Of course we read of so much evilness in the world, but you never expect it to happen to someone you know. I’ve laid awake nights hurting for his parents, brother, grandparents & all family members. Why was Chris’s life taken so early? I, myself, thank you for sharing how God spoke to yr heart that Chris has been with the Lord for over a year and is happy and content there. That does give peace to those who knew Chris but you still have to live life without him. My sister lost her firstborn son & I remember praying that God would give me the right words to speak to her. There is no bringing back our nephews but there is peace knowing that they are in God’s presence and I, too, can’t wait to put my arms around my nephew, Joshua. Until then, pls know that I will be continuing to lift yr family up in prayer and trusting that God will comfort each and every one of you. Love to all, Suzanne
Thank you for your prayers and thoughts- I am sad for your loss as well. Squeezing our Nephews one day is a sweet reminder of the preciousness of heaven. We are brokenhearted! Grief is really really interesting; you pop along, seemingly doing great and then something triggers a memory and WHAM! The sadness pours in……
We will be in CA Oct. 22 for Chris’s memorial.
i love your blog, i have it in my rss reader and always like new things coming up from it.