families

Build Your Family with the End in Mind~

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Last week our Coachwell Team attended the Bend Venture Conference; it was a wealth of information! Part of the event was a seminar entitled “Build Your Company With the End in Mind”   It was so good to talk about making decisions in your company as early as possible with your team to set a course that will your team fired up and committed to the legacy you desire to build.

As I was pondering the statements that had been made concerning how to “begin” a legacy company my mind wandered into realizing that this challenge is the same with our families! Do we truly even think about the “end” as we are busy building our precious families?

What if we built our families with the end in mind?

How would that change the choices you would make with your family today?

Let’s consider a few scenarios:

If you want to be a family who are known for compassion you would need to regularly, as a family, become involved with situations where compassion needs to be applied. Food kitchens, homeless shelters, homes for unwed mothers, and helping your elderly neighbors would be just a few ways you could invite your children to “learn” the beauty of compassion right alongside you.

How about wanting to build a legacy as a family of givers?   I imagine you would want to engage your entire family early on in tithing, missions giving, random acts of financial giving, and financially helping in your local community projects.  There are so many ways to help! Often parents give without their children being involved in the process at all.

I can remember at Christmas every year my parents would gather we girls together and we would use some of our own small coins along with our parents finances to build a special box for our very poor neighbors down the street.  My parents even had us give a piece of our own clothing for the box.  Every Christmas eve we quietly drove to the house and left the box on the front porch to surprise them in the morning.  Believe it or not this was a real joy-filled experience for us all and it helped us tangibly learn to be givers.

Is there something(s) that you can begin to engage your family in together to create a legacy; with the end in mind?

Take a few minutes! If you consider what it means to “build your family with the end in mind” then determine what that “end” is and  begin building that into the DNA of your family life even now! It’s never to late to start!!

Happy Building!

The incredible power of love~

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I am constantly on the search for inspiration as I walk through my life.  So often I’ve thought “Wow, there was a real lesson in that!”   Recently Greg and I had the chance to sneak away to Maui for a week; I fully expected to find multiple sources of inspiration, especially in that setting!

My inspiration came in a huge and unexpected way; caused me to pause and watch the incredible power of love.

We woke up early packed and ready to head out on a catamaran trip to the Island of Lanai where we would have a chance to snorkel and enjoy a morning of incredible views.  After checking in at the dock we were asked to wait in a line until everyone had checked in.  While waiting I watched a family coming down the dock withtheir teenage daughter ( probably 13 or 14) who was in a wheelchair and experiencing some form of palsy that caused her rigid body to shake uncontrollably without ceasing.

I tried not to stare but found myself fascinated by the amount of love that was expressed to this young gal.  Since there wasn’t a ramp on the boat Dad lifted his precious girl ( who was almost as tall as him) and gently placed her in a seat where she could feel the wind and see the ocean.  Minutes later Mom proceeded to, carefully and with precision, attempt to feed her precious daughter while the shaking in her body continued.

As the catamaran proceeded to the Island of Lanai I watch as both mom and dad would sweetly talk with their girl, move a tuft of her hair from her eyes, and wrap their arms around her shoulder.  All interactions with their daughter was through her eyes as she could not speak; her glee would show through her crooked smile.  There was so much love expressed between them all. There was never a moment of irritation, exasperation, or frustration.

Upon arriving in the cove near Lanai, I was surprised as both parents, instead of getting all their own snorkeling gear on, were wrapping their girl in a  floatation device and proceeded to take her into the water with them.  It was incredibly special to observe the effort it took to make this experience a reality for their daughter; so selfless.

Wet and bundled in towels, we all headed back toward the Island of Maui.  Sitting in front of me, this precious family snuggled  tightly together….  then I saw the most amazing thing.  Mom leaned in a wrapped her arms around her daughter, singing softley in her ear.  For the first time all the shaking in her body stopped.  I felt tears in my eyes as I could see the rich sense of calm that came over her rigid body; I was amazed at the soothing power of genuine love, selfless love, a costly love.

Sometimes loving others isn’t easy, it can be costly, tiring, challenging, or even confusing.  But LOVE is always worth it.  There is power in an authentic, selfless love.  Watching these parents go the extra mile with their child whose entire wellbeing is dependant on their choice to love and support her in every way, challenged me to dig deeper when I am challenged to love ~ to go the extra mile.

Couldn’t we all use more moving example of love?  I say “yes”!

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What will be said of Me?

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I have a wonderful privilege of gathering with some amazing women every other week to spend time talking about the things that we care deeply about.  We discuss the season of life we are presently in and look for quality ways to navigate the many challenges and opportunities we encounter everyday. We talk about learning to say our “best yes”, to make sure we find ways to re-fuel in order to be the best version of ourselves, and we look at focusing on those things we consider the highest priorities at this time, using them as a good filter when choosing how to best use our time.  These conversations are always rich and encouraging.

Last night we spent our time talking about Legacy.  We were all able to point to a person in our life who impacted us in a powerful way. Each one of us teared up simply talking about it! We could clearly see that without the gift of that person having touched our lives we would not be the women we are today.  Then we turned our attention to the fact that each one of us could be “that” person in someone’s life.  Down the road when a group of women gather, perhaps our name with be the one mentioned when expressing appreciation for key impact on their lives.  This is what leaving a Legacy looks like.  Lasting impact.

In a small study written by Dr. James Dobson, he expresses Legacy this way:

“Legacy is what future generations recall about you. You are a patriarch or a matriarch and your children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren will take what you have done with your life and build on their own lives.  It is the continuation of your ministry and influence (both positive and negative) beyond your lifetime, reflecting what you value and what you believe is important.”

Wow, does that mean that the choices, behaviours, values, and traditions we do ( or don’t) intentionally choose will be passed on to our future family? You bet!  Think about your family of origin; is there a legacy you feel compelled to carry forward?  Perhaps that legacy was unhealthy and you now have the chance to make choices that will turn it around in your generation.  Choosing to leave a good and lasting Legacy requires intentionality, long-term vision, strong values, and time spent building rich relationships.  We all have a choice as to the Legacy we leave behind.

Look at your life today and answer this question: “Who influenced you to be who you are today and how does their Legacy encourage you to leave behind a Legacy that continues to bear good fruit in the lives of those you dearly love? Take time to write out the type of Legacy you would like to leave behind and then make choices consistent with your hearts desire.  🙂

“Carve your name on hearts, not tombstones. A legacy is etched into the minds of others and the stories they share about you.” ~ Shannon L. Alder

Going the distance in your Marriage~

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Two days ago I returned from a spectacular Anniversary celebration on the Island of Maui with my husband of 30 years ~ it is a trip I am very, very grateful for.  To be able to celebrate 30 years of marriage; to still enjoy time together, to laugh, to adventure, and to love, makes me feel so fortunate.

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Marriage takes work, relationships take work.  That being said, it’s not ALL work.  Marriage takes a whole lot of different elements to go the distance. Here’s what I’ve learned in my marriage “journey”.

1.  Communication~ It was lack of communication that almost caused an ending to our marriage almost 15 years ago.  Both of us spent our time reacting and talking over one another. We would  offend one another and one of us would always shut down.  Obviously this was not fruitful.  With the help of a wonderful counselor, Greg and I learned the art of active listening.  Learning to actually listen, hear, and learn empathy–even if we didn’t always agree–made all the difference.  We are still learners but we have come a long way!

2. Having a relationship with God and sharing it with one another~ In marriage you learn early on the your partner cannot meet every need in your life, fill every hole, fix every challenge. It’s simply impossible. To know that there is One, our Saviour, who knows you deeply, and loves you, absolutely makes such a difference in the area of expectations and personal confidence. Sharing that rich faith together helps to bind your hearts and values. Together you can take your needs, concerns, and difficulties to Him. A shared faith makes a huge difference.

3.  Laughter ~ Life can feel very serious; often time it IS serious.  It’s super important to remember to laugh. Allowing yourselves as a couple to grab times of light-hearted playfulness makes a huge difference.  Greg and I have learned to play games together, listen to 70’s music (singing along, oh my!), and many other activities that allow us to focus on simply being friends.

4.  Ask for help ~ over the years Greg and I faced challenging turning points that could have stolen our 30 year anniversary from us! There is a trail of amazing people who stood with us, encouraged us, challenged us, and walked us into greater relational health.  We are eternally grateful! We couldn’t have made the changes that were needed without the love and support of good people!

5. Making an effort to be the best version of yourself ~ None of us are perfect. However, I believe that if we are taking care of our health, emotional well-being, and spiritual depth, we will be a healthier life partner.  Challenges come in all of these areas without being invited, BUT if we are living a life where we are personally addressing these key areas we will walk through the uninvited challenges better.  Insecurity, exhaustion, and fearfulness can play a real negative role in our marriage relationships.

6.  Build a good posse of friends/family with strong marriages ~ Having couples around you who are growing in their marriages, who are honest about marriage challenges, and who value their spouses makes a big difference in your ability to go the distance in your marriage.  As couples we can learn from one another, stand with one another, pray for one another, and celebrate with one another through the season of life! This has been key for us!!

7. Dream together ~ if you can’t dream with one another WHO can you dream with?  It’s fun to think about the future, consider ideas that are “out of the box”, share your crazy ideas, and even take risks to make that dream come true! Life can feel awful dull without dreaming…….. 🙂

There are so many elements that go into a marriage that can stand the test of time; to go the distance.  I’m sure I’ve left some out.  But these are my thoughts as I ponder our 30 years of marriage.  I’d love to hear your ideas too!! 🙂 and perhaps you’ll celebrate YOUR anniversary look out at an amazing sunset just as Greg and I did last week! Best to you and YOUR marriage.

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Who you are today has generational impact~

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Over the weekend we had the joy and privilege of celebrating my parents 60th Wedding Anniversary.  What a meaningful time.  There were tears, laughter, dancing, and lots of love expressed as the evening went on. One of our guests pointed out a very obvious fact; if my parents had not met and married 24 of us would not be here today!  Think about that; all of our lives stem from their love!!

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As four generations gathered together it was clear to see the impact my parents have had on all our lives; their rich committment and love for Christ and one another has produced a family built on those same commitments.  Their willingness to work hard in the trenches to build and maintain a loving marriage was not easy and yet they forged ahead through good times and bad. The marriages of their daughters and grandchildren are built on those same commitments; we all plan to celebrate our 60th wedding anniversaries~ Lord willing. 🙂

Here’s a truth for us all~ the choices we make today impact the next generation. Whether you are married or not, have even experienced divorce, we can make a committment today to live a life of legacy.  Our choices, words, commitments, and behaviours will trickle down into the generation that will follow us.  Whether we are a parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, sibling, or friend~ our choices today will have lasting impact.

“No matter who we are, where we live, or what our goals may be, we all have one thing in common: a heritage. That is, a social, emotional and spiritual legacy passed on from parent to child. Every one of us is passed a heritage, lives out a heritage, and gives a heritage to our family. It’s not an option. Parents always pass to their children a legacy … good, bad or some of both.”  by J. Otis Ledbetter, Kurt Bruner

It was a proud weekend for us as we all gathered in a circle to pray a prayer of thankfulness for our heritage~ and now the responsibility is on our generation to carry the legacy we’ve been richly given on to our children and grandchildren.

“The choices we make about the lives we live determine the kinds of legacies we leave.”Travis Smiley

 

 

Things we might regret~

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This past week I had the privilege of traveling with my mother and her sister on a road trip to see one of their lifelong friends a few hours away.  This would be a 3 day trip full of laughter, meaningful conversations, shared memories from days gone by, and lots of reminiscing.   I enjoyed the time I had with them all; each of them are so precious to me.  One of the comments was that “time has just gone by so very quickly”, I even see this in my own life as I am celebrating 30 years of marriage this week.  Life does indeed move forward quickly.

Since I returned from the road trip I have been looking at my own life and asking the question, “am I doing all I can to live this life well, with purpose and meaning?”  As I think about that question my answer is “yes, some of the time.” I could do better.

I began to ponder the question, “What might we all regret when we get into our twilight years?”  and I came up with a list of things to consider.

1.  Not stopping to appreciate the “moment”.  Living life so busy-minded that we miss so many amazing moments all around us.

2.  Not traveling when we could have.  Seeing and experiencing other cultures makes a huge difference in our world view and can create memories to last forever.

3.  Holding grudges.  How sad to live life as a hostage to hurt feelings! Gotta let it go!

4.  Not having taken time to get to know God~ to invite Him into our lives. He gave us the very breath we breathe; how amazing to have a life knowing and trusting in Him.

5.  Not having taken time to volunteer.  Life is so much richer when we take time to come alongside those wanting to make a difference!

6.  Not spending intentional time with loved ones.  It’s a sad truth to realize that we don’t know how long we get to have those we love in our lives.  It’s best not to put relationships off “till tomorrow”.

7.  Caring too much what others think.   We will never please everyone all the time.  As much as we may try, there will always be those who see us through a filter that we cannot control.  Care more about being the best YOU that you can be!

8.  Working too much.   Decide when then work day needs to be done.  Disengage and fill your life with life-giving activities and people.

9.  Never having taken risks to pursue a dream.   Do you have a dream in your heart? Are you playing it so safe that your dream will never be realized?

10. Worrying too much.   Life is complicated and uncertain.  All of us could focus on areas of concern and find ourselves consumed with fear and worry.  However, worry robs us of joy.  We will regret having spent our days burdened and concerned.

It was fun to hear of all the ways my mom and her sister intentionally built memories from childhood till now.  When life was hard for them; they created space for joy and laughter.  When life has been joy-filled they have intentionally celebrated those moments with gratefulness.  No matter what stage of life you may be in; ask yourself if there’s anything on my list that YOU may regret someday.  If there is there’s no time like the present to turn it around! 🙂

Mimi~~

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This past week rocked my world.  A tiny child weighing 7.1lb swept my feet right out from under me.    I am changed by her arrival in many interesting ways.   I remember that overwhelming love that swept over me when I first looked into the eyes of my newborn sons.  I felt of mix of joy and also of pain; this new love was so huge that all my fears and anxieties of their safety, health, faith,and future crashed in on my “new mommy” heart.  Will I make mistakes?  Will I know how to love them well?   It was all so new.

This little angel caused some of that overwhelming love to come sweeping back through my heart! Such a big love!! But there was also a new emotion; watching my son becoming a daddy himself; seeing that overwhelming love Dave has for his little girl, causing him to literally feel sick at the very thought of not knowing how to best care for her.  Also watching him love his bride with such rich compassion; it has been astounding for me as a mother.

Another emotion that erupted in my heart was joy in watching my daughter in law ( and friend) make every effort to birth a healthy child~ she worked extremely hard.  I was reminded of my first days as a mommy as I watched Azlan love on her precious little girl, so attentive and kind;she is a very special mommy, I’m very proud of her.

They chose the name Mimi for me; a banner which I will proudly wear. I will honor my responsibility to this little life in every way I can.  And after kissing her sweet cheeks hundreds of times I will tickle her, snuggle her, sing to her, whisper loving thoughts to her, pray constantly for her, and love her parents.

Scout Jubilee Salciccioli, I adore you.

 

Sometimes I Think Facebook Gets a BUM Rap!

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In college, when wanting to make a phone call, I had to stand in line behind 3-5 other students in order to use the pay phone in the hall of my dormitory.  If I desired to share photos that I loved with people I would need to go get my film developed, make doubles of those pictures, and then send them in the mail, waiting at least a week for them to arrive at their destination.  Since there were no “personal phones” available I would need to write a letter expressing anything fun, amazing, or challenging that I was experiencing, and mail it off hoping to get a return letter in response to what I had taken the time to share.

At the tail end of my college experience I spent 90 days in Calcutta, India. Far, far from home.  In that time period, I was able to schedule one phone call with a local phone company to connect with my family; outside of that, letters were sent from one country to the other. Some letters arrived, many did not.

WHAT IF I had been able to enjoy the value of Facebook during those years? What if I could have stayed in touch with my family in “real time” while overseas; sharing stories, pictures, and videos of all the amazing experiences I was having?

WHAT IF I had been able to send messages or text back and forth over Facebook while in college; staying in touch with friends and family during my course of study?  What If…………………..

Sometimes I think Facebook gets a bum rap!

I wonder if we get a little spoiled with the freedom Facebook has given us that we are blinded to it’s value, I wonder.  Some say Facebook causes us to create false community; I wholeheartedly disagree! I have found that Facebook allows me to remain connected with those that are dear to me whether it be in sending small encouragements, sharing an inspiring story, responding to something they are experiencing in their lives, setting up coffee dates and even using Facebook to create group events and invitations with real ease!

Using Facebook, I have been able to become aware of challenges others are facing; I have been able to pray on their behalf.  I have, also, gotten to enjoy hearing of the fun or victories people have experienced and have been able to rejoice with them!

Perhaps it’s time to see Facebook with fresh eyes.  Use it well.  Encourage, connect, celebrate, include, and care for your “friends” through this tool.  Be thankful you aren’t left standing in line waiting for a free phone, or waiting for the mail to arrive before you can connect with someone you care about!!

🙂  FRIEND

It’s About Making Time, Not Having Time~

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Life is busy.  Our days are filled with many meaningful activities.  Our time is divided between the needs in our homes, our children, places of employment,churches, community organizations, and IF we can fit it in, some time to exercise and care for ourselves.

We are daily, even hourly, connected to our computers or Smart phones; logging onto our mail, Facebook, Pinterest, news, or games throughout the entire day which eats up even more of our daily time spent.

So, what about taking time with friends and family members? How well do we fit in key times of connection to maintain on-going relationships with those that mean the world to us?  Do we tell ourselves we are too busy to make the time? Do we assume we’ll grab time when we can?  Think about this:

Just spending a little time with someone shows that you care, shows that they are important enough that you’ve chosen — out of all the things to do on your busy schedule — to find the time for them. And if you go beyond that, and truly connect with them, through good conversation, that says even more. Many times its our actions, not just our words, that really speak what our hearts feel. Taking the time speaks volumes!

Are you saying ” I’d love to but I really am too busy!”

  • Have five minutes? Send an email. It doesn’t take long to send an email to someone you care about, asking them how they are, wishing them a good day. And that little gesture could go a long way, especially if you follow it up over time with regular emails.
  • Have 10 minutes? Call them up. A phone call is an easy way to connect with someone. It’s conversation, without having to even get in the car!
  • Have 30 minutes? You might not get the chance to do this every day, but at least once a week, take 30 minutes to drop in and say Hello to someone you care about and just visit.(No Smart phone allowed)  It’ll be some of the best 30 minutes you’ll spend this week.
  • Have a couple hours? Grab coffee or go to lunch with a friend or loved one. Who among us doesn’t have a couple of free hours each month? Weekends, or evenings, there’s got to be a time that you spend in front of the TV or computer that could be better spent building rich relationships with those that matter to you.

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                                        Make it a priority to build rich relational connections into your schedule. Enrich your life while bringing value to those you love as well.  Don’t put it off assuming they will always be there. 🙂

Musings on Marriage~

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I am enjoying the privilege of leading a bible study with 6 precious young wives on the subject of marriage.  I am the leader of the study, yet I am a constant learner along with each one of them.  After almost 30 years of marriage I recognize that you never arrive at a PERFECT relationship.  Marriage is a process of growing and stretching through the many different seasons and changes in our lives.  Marriage is a committment to being a good friend~no matter what.

“Happily ever after is not a fairy tale. It’s a choice.”

In discussions about marriage some key issues continually come up:  communication, expectations, and forgiveness.  These areas can be where hurt and disconnect can be found. So, in light of this I wanted to offer a few thoughts that might serve to encourage you as you commit to building a rich, thriving marriage.

*   Active Listening:  taking the time to truly listen to your loved one, repeating back to them to see if you truly understood what they are trying to say, and them expressing how you imagine they might feel can bring clarity and empathy even if you don’t fully agree.  Everyone needs to have the freedom to express themselves; to be heard.  Practicing this kind of intentional listening will help build better communication and cause you to feel a greater connection to one another.

*  Balancing Expectations:  Have you ever thought through all the elements you may expect in your marriage?

  • To be able to talk everything through & find resolution
  • That we & our partner should never argue, fight or withdraw, always take care of each other & agree on everything
  • A wonderful sexual relationship, full of sexual passion
  • Each other to take their own responsibility for their own feelings, able to share love, rather than expect our partner to fill us up with their love
  • To have a lot of fun & easily laugh together
  • To have similar interests
  • Our partner to financially contribute
  • A certain level of contribution towards the household & childcare
  • Respect, admiration & deep trust
  • A relationship full of affection, holding, cuddling & kissing
  • To find each other infinitely interesting, look forward to being together & sharing ideas
  • Companionship
  • The same religious beliefs
  • Shared, common spiritual values

These elements are all good; however these areas can grow over time as the marriage matures, listening increases, and each individual grows deeper in their relationship with the Lord. Keep them as good goals but don’t expect perfection all the time.

“A great marriage is not when the ‘perfect couple’ comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.”

*  Forgiveness:   We all need forgiveness.  We all have a bad day, make mistakes, and respond improperly.  In my early years of marriage I would hold onto those things that hurt or frustrated me.  When I would do this I could easily find myself irritated by the smallest things simply because I had a stockpile of things I’d not yet forgiven. The older I get the more I recognize the huge value in keeping a short record of unforgivenes.  Fact is, I need to be forgiven often too.

“A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.”

As you celebrate Valentine’s Day this next week may you embark on the richest year of marriage ever!