friends

What if this was your last Christmas?

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Can you believe another year is about to close?  It feels like I simply blinked and it was December again! How about you? However, if I take a little time to reflect over the year I realize that within that crazy, busy year there have been some monumental experiences that should not be overlooked; there were so many learning opportunities for me.

One of the biggest “stand out” experiences for me was, unfortunately, a horrific car accident in which my husband and I walked out with our lives and we are beyond grateful.   This unfortunate experience has given me many moments of reflection as I think about the brevity of life; it goes by so fast and sometimes it is stolen from us.

Our car accident has caused me to take a deeper look at my passions, my professional work, my personal life, my meaningful relationships, as well as my physical & emotional health. As I stepped out of the truck that day, badly shaken, my first thought was an overwhelming gratefulness that our lives had been spared but following that I experienced a very clear picture of what really matters in my life~ people.

As you walk through the holidays, how can you navigate the season so that the busyness does not steal from your connection with others? How can you slow the pace in order to share tender moments along the way? Christmas traditions can be so fun, baking and office parties can be invigorating; but taking the time to be certain that those you love know that they matter is really at the heart of Christmas.

What’s tugging at your heart this year? Is there a relationship that needs encouragement? A single mom struggling that needs your touch? Does your spouse need the festivities to slow down so that the two of you can remember what great friends you are; or perhaps work towards being again?

Our unexpected accident has only heightened my awareness that every day is a precious gift!  Truly, the 2016 Christmas season could have been our last! Every day is, indeed, a gift! Instead of chocolate indulge deeply in the relationships that surround and bless your life and in doing so you will have a very Merry Christmas.

For Women Only!

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If you have followed my blog for any length of time then you know that there are certain themes that I will write on time and time again; hopefully expressing thoughts in fresh ways. The “rule of seven” tells us that a person generally needs to hear a concept at least 7 times before really grabbing ahold of the concept and applying it to their lives.  So please indulge me as I take another stab at a truth that I know to be very, very important!

LADIES!  I give you permission today to take as good care of yourself as you do for all the others in your lives!

As a young woman, I was a pastor’s wife, friend, sister, daughter, church volunteer, school volunteer, house-keeper, cook, and mama to two active boys; how I wish I had been told how impacting it would have been if I had figured out some way to establish self care  in those days! So often I was exhausted, unhealthy, and even a bit isolated in my closest relationships….I was just so busy.

Let me explain Self-Care a little better:

“Self care includes any intentional action an individual takes to care for their physical, mental, relational, and emotional health.”
Good food, water, exercise, and good sleep patterns are  key to maintaining vibrant energy and outlook.
Life giving friends, healthy boundaries, quality support,  and cup-filling activities help to keep our emotional health strong.
Having proven ways to relax, taking time to journal thoughts and concerns, growing in the area of faith, listening to positive information rather than focusing on the negative, and learning to nap are all elements that support sustainable mental wellness.
Building good friendships, gathering with other women in your season of life, enjoying “girl time” where you can laugh deeply, and having a “posse” of women who you know have your back, strengthens our sense of connectedness and relational health.
Here’s an action step:
If you look at your calendar, personal and professional, and you don’t see yourself represented there on any given day–it’s time!
* a spa day
* a girl’s night out
* a nap
*time at the gym
* time with God
*time with a good book
*hiking in the great outdoors
*crafting
* and saying no to some good things to use your greatest energy for the BEST things.
10WaysToSayNo         ( just for you)
Permission Granted Again. ( you are worth it )
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Some Relationships are Worth Extra Effort~

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Do you hate conflict? I sure do!! I used to run from it for many years; never expressing myself, wanting to please and appease! But I have learned two things:

1.  It’s so important to address challenges/disagreements in relationships.

2.  It’s so important to be willing to be humble to “not be right” in order to maintain relationships that DO matter.

In my life I am clearly aware that I have friendships/relationships that I want to, well, last forever.  There are times, even in those key relationships, that there may be disagreements.  How do we navigate some of those challenges without losing the friendship? Well, I am still learning.

There are times when it’s important to set boundaries on toxic or untrustworthy relationships…but there are also times when we might want to walk away from a relationship where there has been a challenge and yet, we know in our hearts we want them in our life!

Questions we can ask ourselves in these instances are these:

1. Though there may be a conflict right now, would I be saddened to lose my relationship because of our present challenge?

2.  Could there be a bridge built in our relationship if I humble myself and try to understand the heart and season of my friend?

3. Can I extend grace and am I willing to move forward?

Relationships are so important, take care, wisdom, and a humble heart to navigate~~ but they are worth it!!!

Proverbs 17:17A friend loves at all times, And a brother is born for adversity.

John 15:13“Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.

Conversation Shake-Up~

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Over a year ago, my son and his wife gave us a box of conversation questions from a company called Table Topics.  I thought it was a clever idea, fun.  What I have actually recognized about their value is the unique way fresh questions can unlock meaningful conversations in a whole new way!

It is so easy to get locked into routine conversations around work, ministry, money, and children.  We partner with our spouse and we parent our children; which is all good.  But, what if we make an effort to simply want to KNOW more about those we love rather than spending the bulk of our time directing schedules and managing behaviour?

What if we gave ourselves a time-out from routine conversations at the table or in the car, using that time to ask about dreams, favorite things, ideas, and best memories? Perhaps even using that time to ask about the “highs” and “lows” of the day!  I imagine you will experience some un-expected moments of fresh understanding.  For some reason an unexpected question often takes the direction of the connection to a new place.

Table Topics is a great tool, but if we are intentional enough to want to experience fresh insights with our friends and loved ones; we can easily prepare some of our own, having them ready to use when the time arises!

As a coach I am asking my clients questions all the time. I have been amazed to watch a quality question give way to a truly rich conversation.

Perhaps this is the year to shake out of the mundane and make your conversations really count!

Going the distance in your Marriage~

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Two days ago I returned from a spectacular Anniversary celebration on the Island of Maui with my husband of 30 years ~ it is a trip I am very, very grateful for.  To be able to celebrate 30 years of marriage; to still enjoy time together, to laugh, to adventure, and to love, makes me feel so fortunate.

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Marriage takes work, relationships take work.  That being said, it’s not ALL work.  Marriage takes a whole lot of different elements to go the distance. Here’s what I’ve learned in my marriage “journey”.

1.  Communication~ It was lack of communication that almost caused an ending to our marriage almost 15 years ago.  Both of us spent our time reacting and talking over one another. We would  offend one another and one of us would always shut down.  Obviously this was not fruitful.  With the help of a wonderful counselor, Greg and I learned the art of active listening.  Learning to actually listen, hear, and learn empathy–even if we didn’t always agree–made all the difference.  We are still learners but we have come a long way!

2. Having a relationship with God and sharing it with one another~ In marriage you learn early on the your partner cannot meet every need in your life, fill every hole, fix every challenge. It’s simply impossible. To know that there is One, our Saviour, who knows you deeply, and loves you, absolutely makes such a difference in the area of expectations and personal confidence. Sharing that rich faith together helps to bind your hearts and values. Together you can take your needs, concerns, and difficulties to Him. A shared faith makes a huge difference.

3.  Laughter ~ Life can feel very serious; often time it IS serious.  It’s super important to remember to laugh. Allowing yourselves as a couple to grab times of light-hearted playfulness makes a huge difference.  Greg and I have learned to play games together, listen to 70’s music (singing along, oh my!), and many other activities that allow us to focus on simply being friends.

4.  Ask for help ~ over the years Greg and I faced challenging turning points that could have stolen our 30 year anniversary from us! There is a trail of amazing people who stood with us, encouraged us, challenged us, and walked us into greater relational health.  We are eternally grateful! We couldn’t have made the changes that were needed without the love and support of good people!

5. Making an effort to be the best version of yourself ~ None of us are perfect. However, I believe that if we are taking care of our health, emotional well-being, and spiritual depth, we will be a healthier life partner.  Challenges come in all of these areas without being invited, BUT if we are living a life where we are personally addressing these key areas we will walk through the uninvited challenges better.  Insecurity, exhaustion, and fearfulness can play a real negative role in our marriage relationships.

6.  Build a good posse of friends/family with strong marriages ~ Having couples around you who are growing in their marriages, who are honest about marriage challenges, and who value their spouses makes a big difference in your ability to go the distance in your marriage.  As couples we can learn from one another, stand with one another, pray for one another, and celebrate with one another through the season of life! This has been key for us!!

7. Dream together ~ if you can’t dream with one another WHO can you dream with?  It’s fun to think about the future, consider ideas that are “out of the box”, share your crazy ideas, and even take risks to make that dream come true! Life can feel awful dull without dreaming…….. 🙂

There are so many elements that go into a marriage that can stand the test of time; to go the distance.  I’m sure I’ve left some out.  But these are my thoughts as I ponder our 30 years of marriage.  I’d love to hear your ideas too!! 🙂 and perhaps you’ll celebrate YOUR anniversary look out at an amazing sunset just as Greg and I did last week! Best to you and YOUR marriage.

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Help! Help! Help!

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This has been a relationally rich summer. Greg and I have had the joy to host clients, family, and friends in our home every other week since the first of June!  What a privilege to share our lives and to engage in “shoulder to shoulder” activities with them all.  These sweet times truly enrich our lives and I believe, theirs as well!!

Recently, one of our visitors swam farther than they were equipped to swim.  We were at a mountain lake and he  challenged himself to swim across the lake to an area where he could rest upon a floating dock. However, the ladder to the dock had fallen deep to the bottom of the lake. uh oh!  After trying unsuccessfully to climb up on the floating dock he decided to swim back to shore.  Halfway back his legs cramped and shut down having been affected by the cold water and fatigue!    At first he said, “I need help” which quickly turned to a cry!  “HELP!”…..”HELP!”……”HELP!”

It was surreal to see our friend truly struggling to survive. His plea for help became more and more emphatic….he was sinking and he knew it.   My husband heard the cries of his friend and he knew he needed to make every effort to help his friend survive!! Before he sank under the water, Greg jumped in, swam to his friend, held him above the water  leading him to safety.  After resting along the shore, our friend regained his strength and went on to have a wonderful day. Nevertheless, witnessing this experience shook us all up and left me with a clearer understanding about some real live truths. Our friend did nothing wrong, yet LIFE happened uexpectantly and he was wise enough to have not been alone!

We were never meant to “do life” alone.  We weren’t created to depend only on ourselves.  We have been designed to walk through this life in community and with accountability.  The scenario at the lake would have ended differently if our friend had been there alone! Fortunately, he had not made that unwise choice.  We all need to have people around us that want us to survive and thrive! People who will jump in and carry us if needed when we cry out for help!

When we withdraw and silo ourselves from the support and safety of wise counselors we can tend to gravitate toward treacherous waters….to stinking thinking, compromised choices, and unhealthy commitments.  To be protected from these things we need quality people in our lives who can recognize the “danger” and help us to stay on the safe shore.

Ecclesiastes 4:12 says  “A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.”

Proverbs 15:22 says “Plans go wrong for lack of advice; many advisers bring success.”

Proverbs 27:6 says The wounds of a friend are trustworthy, but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.”

Think about your life today.  Do you have people around you who want to see you stay above water?  Do you have those who are willing to help when you feel like you are drowning in the challenges of life?  If you do then you are richly blessed.  If you do not I sincerely encourage you to be committed to creating a circle of connection in the days ahead.   Just like our friend on the lake…..if you are alone in a crisis, you need to have support.  We were meant to do life together! 🙂

But, You Live Too Far Away~~

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Our culture is very fluid these days.  I look back at my childhood where I spent my early years, ages 6-24 in the same town.  Most of my family lived in the same state that I did. However, in our culture today many families not only live in different states; but on different continents.   More and more people are finding themselves in long distance relationships that will require real intentionality to maintain.  I have many of them myself and I always appreciate learning new ways to remain connected!

I would like to give you some tips I’ve learned of and some tips I’ve used to help my long-distance relationships flourish!

1.  Set calendared phone /Skype appointments.  Putting a bi-weekly or monthly call on your calendar will save you from the “dreaded” term; “We should talk again soon………”.  Then it never happens.

2.  Send a written card.  Everyone wants to be remembered and even in this culture of automated interaction, there is still something to be said for the written word.  When I receive a card I actually save it because it feels so special to me.

3.  Send videos or pictures of your children or hobbies you share.  On your iPhone this will take about 10 seconds.  Even this small “soft touch” can make you feel closer in the middle of a busy day!

4.  Plan ahead to visit one another if possible.  I have a sister who has served over-seas much of her adult life.  Though I haven’t gotten to see her as much as I would have liked; I have been able to visit her in England and in France. Those visits to see “her world” drew us closer and were well worth the finances it cost to get there.

5.  When you do get a chance to talk or visit; take time to talk about “the good ol’ days ” and memories you have shared.  These memories create laughter and remind you as to why your relationship is valuable and worth working on.

6.  Remember birthdays and holidays creatively.  These times, especially when you are apart can feel lonely and disconnected.  Making a personal effort to remember them will help keep your hearts close.

7.  Sometimes, out of the blue, just pick up the phone and call–even if you just get the message machine, you can still let them know that they were on your mind.  I’ve had that happen to me and it’s such a boost!

8.  Facebook–messages, wall posts–pictures.  All these possibilities will keep you both connected to how you are doing on the day-to-day!

9.  Send a care package just for fun.  I remember that when I was in college and a package came in by surprise it just rocked my world–even if it was something tiny.  It meant so very much!

10.  Pray for one another.  Knowing you have this rich type of support is priceless.

All of us have friends and family who are far from us! Grab a few of these ideas, test them out, and see if your relationships begin to grow and flourish in fresh ways!! They are worth it!!  🙂

 

Sometimes I Think Facebook Gets a BUM Rap!

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In college, when wanting to make a phone call, I had to stand in line behind 3-5 other students in order to use the pay phone in the hall of my dormitory.  If I desired to share photos that I loved with people I would need to go get my film developed, make doubles of those pictures, and then send them in the mail, waiting at least a week for them to arrive at their destination.  Since there were no “personal phones” available I would need to write a letter expressing anything fun, amazing, or challenging that I was experiencing, and mail it off hoping to get a return letter in response to what I had taken the time to share.

At the tail end of my college experience I spent 90 days in Calcutta, India. Far, far from home.  In that time period, I was able to schedule one phone call with a local phone company to connect with my family; outside of that, letters were sent from one country to the other. Some letters arrived, many did not.

WHAT IF I had been able to enjoy the value of Facebook during those years? What if I could have stayed in touch with my family in “real time” while overseas; sharing stories, pictures, and videos of all the amazing experiences I was having?

WHAT IF I had been able to send messages or text back and forth over Facebook while in college; staying in touch with friends and family during my course of study?  What If…………………..

Sometimes I think Facebook gets a bum rap!

I wonder if we get a little spoiled with the freedom Facebook has given us that we are blinded to it’s value, I wonder.  Some say Facebook causes us to create false community; I wholeheartedly disagree! I have found that Facebook allows me to remain connected with those that are dear to me whether it be in sending small encouragements, sharing an inspiring story, responding to something they are experiencing in their lives, setting up coffee dates and even using Facebook to create group events and invitations with real ease!

Using Facebook, I have been able to become aware of challenges others are facing; I have been able to pray on their behalf.  I have, also, gotten to enjoy hearing of the fun or victories people have experienced and have been able to rejoice with them!

Perhaps it’s time to see Facebook with fresh eyes.  Use it well.  Encourage, connect, celebrate, include, and care for your “friends” through this tool.  Be thankful you aren’t left standing in line waiting for a free phone, or waiting for the mail to arrive before you can connect with someone you care about!!

🙂  FRIEND

4 Keys for a Joy-Filled Life~~

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Life is unpredictable.  Life has challenges.  Life can sometimes steal our joy; let’s just be honest about that.  We cannot control everything that comes our way, even if we wish we could! This is why we should be compelled to maintain some key elements in our lives that will help us keep our balance and joy even when faced with uncertainties.

Here are 4 keys that I believe to be essential to maintain a joy-filled life:

1.  LAUGHTER:   There’s just nothing like laughter to release the tension that builds up in our daily lives. A good belly laugh can turn our day completely around! Kathryn Hepburn was quoted as saying  “I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it’s the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It’s probably the most important thing in a person.”  I have to agree! Laughter takes our minds off our “to do” list, our sadness, or our anxieties and allows us to catch our breath!  Ignoring the need for laughter will cause us all to become very serious and introspective.  So plan to lighten up a couple of times a day~~LAUGH!

2.  FORGIVENESS: Martin Luther King said; Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude.” This means forgiveness is a choice.  I “choose” to be unoffendable yet when I am offended I will seek to walk in forgiveness as a gift to myself! Walking in unforgiveness can change us.  Walking in unforgiveness is draining. Walking in unforgiveness steals our joy.  In an article written by Charles Stanly he said that  “It’s probably not surprising to hear that resentment impacts the mind and spirit, but you may not have realized what a physical toll it can also take on us. An attitude of bitterness ratchets up tension and anxiety, which can affect everything from muscles to chemical balance in the brain. Over time, that kind of mayhem weakens the body.”
Therefore If we seek reconciliation when we can and choose forgiveness always, we will stand a greater chance of experiencing a consistent joy-filled life.

3.  Quality Relationships:  Quality relationships are those that bring energy to you as a person.  I’m talking about the deep, unreserved relationships you have within the circle of family and friends that you have. Who are the people who know you and have weathered storms and joys alongside you?  Who are the people who love you unconditionally and call just to see how you’re doing?  Who are those who would never indict you but would have your back in any situation? Isolation is a joy stealer, we all need a handful of people who will lift our spirits when we are down, laugh with us when we need to unwind, and celebrate with us when we are experiencing even a small victory! These are the relationships that deserve to be placed on your calendar and nurtured!  Friendship is the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words.
George Eliot

4.  Times of Solitude:  Unplug.  Turn of your phone. Back away from the computer. Breathe.   Take some time to be silent.  To read or reflect. Take time to pray or journal.  Don’t see this as a waste of time, but as an integral part of your day. We all need periods of solitude, although temperamentally we probably differ in the amount of solitude we need. However, some solitude is essential; It gives us time to explore who we are and how we feel. Solitude gives us a chance to regain perspective. It renews us for the challenges of life. It allows us to get (back) into the position of driving our own lives, rather than having them run by schedules and demands from without. Times of solitude are also a time to connect with God, giving you time to listen to what He may be saying to you. Making times of solitude a priority in your life will help you to find joy; even in the midst of a busy, or challenging season of life.

Begin to practice these 4 Keys on a regular basis and you will begin to see how valuable they are right away!  I want you to live a life that is Joy-filled. THAT is my hope for you! 🙂

It’s About Making Time, Not Having Time~

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Life is busy.  Our days are filled with many meaningful activities.  Our time is divided between the needs in our homes, our children, places of employment,churches, community organizations, and IF we can fit it in, some time to exercise and care for ourselves.

We are daily, even hourly, connected to our computers or Smart phones; logging onto our mail, Facebook, Pinterest, news, or games throughout the entire day which eats up even more of our daily time spent.

So, what about taking time with friends and family members? How well do we fit in key times of connection to maintain on-going relationships with those that mean the world to us?  Do we tell ourselves we are too busy to make the time? Do we assume we’ll grab time when we can?  Think about this:

Just spending a little time with someone shows that you care, shows that they are important enough that you’ve chosen — out of all the things to do on your busy schedule — to find the time for them. And if you go beyond that, and truly connect with them, through good conversation, that says even more. Many times its our actions, not just our words, that really speak what our hearts feel. Taking the time speaks volumes!

Are you saying ” I’d love to but I really am too busy!”

  • Have five minutes? Send an email. It doesn’t take long to send an email to someone you care about, asking them how they are, wishing them a good day. And that little gesture could go a long way, especially if you follow it up over time with regular emails.
  • Have 10 minutes? Call them up. A phone call is an easy way to connect with someone. It’s conversation, without having to even get in the car!
  • Have 30 minutes? You might not get the chance to do this every day, but at least once a week, take 30 minutes to drop in and say Hello to someone you care about and just visit.(No Smart phone allowed)  It’ll be some of the best 30 minutes you’ll spend this week.
  • Have a couple hours? Grab coffee or go to lunch with a friend or loved one. Who among us doesn’t have a couple of free hours each month? Weekends, or evenings, there’s got to be a time that you spend in front of the TV or computer that could be better spent building rich relationships with those that matter to you.

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                                        Make it a priority to build rich relational connections into your schedule. Enrich your life while bringing value to those you love as well.  Don’t put it off assuming they will always be there. 🙂