husbands

Going the distance in your Marriage~

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Two days ago I returned from a spectacular Anniversary celebration on the Island of Maui with my husband of 30 years ~ it is a trip I am very, very grateful for.  To be able to celebrate 30 years of marriage; to still enjoy time together, to laugh, to adventure, and to love, makes me feel so fortunate.

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Marriage takes work, relationships take work.  That being said, it’s not ALL work.  Marriage takes a whole lot of different elements to go the distance. Here’s what I’ve learned in my marriage “journey”.

1.  Communication~ It was lack of communication that almost caused an ending to our marriage almost 15 years ago.  Both of us spent our time reacting and talking over one another. We would  offend one another and one of us would always shut down.  Obviously this was not fruitful.  With the help of a wonderful counselor, Greg and I learned the art of active listening.  Learning to actually listen, hear, and learn empathy–even if we didn’t always agree–made all the difference.  We are still learners but we have come a long way!

2. Having a relationship with God and sharing it with one another~ In marriage you learn early on the your partner cannot meet every need in your life, fill every hole, fix every challenge. It’s simply impossible. To know that there is One, our Saviour, who knows you deeply, and loves you, absolutely makes such a difference in the area of expectations and personal confidence. Sharing that rich faith together helps to bind your hearts and values. Together you can take your needs, concerns, and difficulties to Him. A shared faith makes a huge difference.

3.  Laughter ~ Life can feel very serious; often time it IS serious.  It’s super important to remember to laugh. Allowing yourselves as a couple to grab times of light-hearted playfulness makes a huge difference.  Greg and I have learned to play games together, listen to 70’s music (singing along, oh my!), and many other activities that allow us to focus on simply being friends.

4.  Ask for help ~ over the years Greg and I faced challenging turning points that could have stolen our 30 year anniversary from us! There is a trail of amazing people who stood with us, encouraged us, challenged us, and walked us into greater relational health.  We are eternally grateful! We couldn’t have made the changes that were needed without the love and support of good people!

5. Making an effort to be the best version of yourself ~ None of us are perfect. However, I believe that if we are taking care of our health, emotional well-being, and spiritual depth, we will be a healthier life partner.  Challenges come in all of these areas without being invited, BUT if we are living a life where we are personally addressing these key areas we will walk through the uninvited challenges better.  Insecurity, exhaustion, and fearfulness can play a real negative role in our marriage relationships.

6.  Build a good posse of friends/family with strong marriages ~ Having couples around you who are growing in their marriages, who are honest about marriage challenges, and who value their spouses makes a big difference in your ability to go the distance in your marriage.  As couples we can learn from one another, stand with one another, pray for one another, and celebrate with one another through the season of life! This has been key for us!!

7. Dream together ~ if you can’t dream with one another WHO can you dream with?  It’s fun to think about the future, consider ideas that are “out of the box”, share your crazy ideas, and even take risks to make that dream come true! Life can feel awful dull without dreaming…….. 🙂

There are so many elements that go into a marriage that can stand the test of time; to go the distance.  I’m sure I’ve left some out.  But these are my thoughts as I ponder our 30 years of marriage.  I’d love to hear your ideas too!! 🙂 and perhaps you’ll celebrate YOUR anniversary look out at an amazing sunset just as Greg and I did last week! Best to you and YOUR marriage.

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Who you are today has generational impact~

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Over the weekend we had the joy and privilege of celebrating my parents 60th Wedding Anniversary.  What a meaningful time.  There were tears, laughter, dancing, and lots of love expressed as the evening went on. One of our guests pointed out a very obvious fact; if my parents had not met and married 24 of us would not be here today!  Think about that; all of our lives stem from their love!!

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As four generations gathered together it was clear to see the impact my parents have had on all our lives; their rich committment and love for Christ and one another has produced a family built on those same commitments.  Their willingness to work hard in the trenches to build and maintain a loving marriage was not easy and yet they forged ahead through good times and bad. The marriages of their daughters and grandchildren are built on those same commitments; we all plan to celebrate our 60th wedding anniversaries~ Lord willing. 🙂

Here’s a truth for us all~ the choices we make today impact the next generation. Whether you are married or not, have even experienced divorce, we can make a committment today to live a life of legacy.  Our choices, words, commitments, and behaviours will trickle down into the generation that will follow us.  Whether we are a parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, sibling, or friend~ our choices today will have lasting impact.

“No matter who we are, where we live, or what our goals may be, we all have one thing in common: a heritage. That is, a social, emotional and spiritual legacy passed on from parent to child. Every one of us is passed a heritage, lives out a heritage, and gives a heritage to our family. It’s not an option. Parents always pass to their children a legacy … good, bad or some of both.”  by J. Otis Ledbetter, Kurt Bruner

It was a proud weekend for us as we all gathered in a circle to pray a prayer of thankfulness for our heritage~ and now the responsibility is on our generation to carry the legacy we’ve been richly given on to our children and grandchildren.

“The choices we make about the lives we live determine the kinds of legacies we leave.”Travis Smiley

 

 

Sometimes I Think Facebook Gets a BUM Rap!

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In college, when wanting to make a phone call, I had to stand in line behind 3-5 other students in order to use the pay phone in the hall of my dormitory.  If I desired to share photos that I loved with people I would need to go get my film developed, make doubles of those pictures, and then send them in the mail, waiting at least a week for them to arrive at their destination.  Since there were no “personal phones” available I would need to write a letter expressing anything fun, amazing, or challenging that I was experiencing, and mail it off hoping to get a return letter in response to what I had taken the time to share.

At the tail end of my college experience I spent 90 days in Calcutta, India. Far, far from home.  In that time period, I was able to schedule one phone call with a local phone company to connect with my family; outside of that, letters were sent from one country to the other. Some letters arrived, many did not.

WHAT IF I had been able to enjoy the value of Facebook during those years? What if I could have stayed in touch with my family in “real time” while overseas; sharing stories, pictures, and videos of all the amazing experiences I was having?

WHAT IF I had been able to send messages or text back and forth over Facebook while in college; staying in touch with friends and family during my course of study?  What If…………………..

Sometimes I think Facebook gets a bum rap!

I wonder if we get a little spoiled with the freedom Facebook has given us that we are blinded to it’s value, I wonder.  Some say Facebook causes us to create false community; I wholeheartedly disagree! I have found that Facebook allows me to remain connected with those that are dear to me whether it be in sending small encouragements, sharing an inspiring story, responding to something they are experiencing in their lives, setting up coffee dates and even using Facebook to create group events and invitations with real ease!

Using Facebook, I have been able to become aware of challenges others are facing; I have been able to pray on their behalf.  I have, also, gotten to enjoy hearing of the fun or victories people have experienced and have been able to rejoice with them!

Perhaps it’s time to see Facebook with fresh eyes.  Use it well.  Encourage, connect, celebrate, include, and care for your “friends” through this tool.  Be thankful you aren’t left standing in line waiting for a free phone, or waiting for the mail to arrive before you can connect with someone you care about!!

🙂  FRIEND

Musings on Marriage~

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I am enjoying the privilege of leading a bible study with 6 precious young wives on the subject of marriage.  I am the leader of the study, yet I am a constant learner along with each one of them.  After almost 30 years of marriage I recognize that you never arrive at a PERFECT relationship.  Marriage is a process of growing and stretching through the many different seasons and changes in our lives.  Marriage is a committment to being a good friend~no matter what.

“Happily ever after is not a fairy tale. It’s a choice.”

In discussions about marriage some key issues continually come up:  communication, expectations, and forgiveness.  These areas can be where hurt and disconnect can be found. So, in light of this I wanted to offer a few thoughts that might serve to encourage you as you commit to building a rich, thriving marriage.

*   Active Listening:  taking the time to truly listen to your loved one, repeating back to them to see if you truly understood what they are trying to say, and them expressing how you imagine they might feel can bring clarity and empathy even if you don’t fully agree.  Everyone needs to have the freedom to express themselves; to be heard.  Practicing this kind of intentional listening will help build better communication and cause you to feel a greater connection to one another.

*  Balancing Expectations:  Have you ever thought through all the elements you may expect in your marriage?

  • To be able to talk everything through & find resolution
  • That we & our partner should never argue, fight or withdraw, always take care of each other & agree on everything
  • A wonderful sexual relationship, full of sexual passion
  • Each other to take their own responsibility for their own feelings, able to share love, rather than expect our partner to fill us up with their love
  • To have a lot of fun & easily laugh together
  • To have similar interests
  • Our partner to financially contribute
  • A certain level of contribution towards the household & childcare
  • Respect, admiration & deep trust
  • A relationship full of affection, holding, cuddling & kissing
  • To find each other infinitely interesting, look forward to being together & sharing ideas
  • Companionship
  • The same religious beliefs
  • Shared, common spiritual values

These elements are all good; however these areas can grow over time as the marriage matures, listening increases, and each individual grows deeper in their relationship with the Lord. Keep them as good goals but don’t expect perfection all the time.

“A great marriage is not when the ‘perfect couple’ comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.”

*  Forgiveness:   We all need forgiveness.  We all have a bad day, make mistakes, and respond improperly.  In my early years of marriage I would hold onto those things that hurt or frustrated me.  When I would do this I could easily find myself irritated by the smallest things simply because I had a stockpile of things I’d not yet forgiven. The older I get the more I recognize the huge value in keeping a short record of unforgivenes.  Fact is, I need to be forgiven often too.

“A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.”

As you celebrate Valentine’s Day this next week may you embark on the richest year of marriage ever!

Thanksgiving Thoughts~

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Thanksgiving is a time to savor and reflect on all that we are thankful for; an opportunity to gather with those we love to share our hearts and a meal too large for us all!!

I thought I would try to list the Top 10 things that I am Thankful for ( knowing that 10 things would never cover all that I cherish in my heart…but I will make a brave attempt!

MY TOP 10

1.  For God~His grace and mercy, favor and care, comfort and correction. Where would I be without the Lord in my life? Cannot imagine!

2.  For My wonderful Italian husband, Greg, without whom my life would not be nearly as interesting, fun, and love-filled. Together we have weathered many seasons and assignments, all of these experiences have made us a stronger, more loving team.

3.  My amazingly smart, talented, and kind sons.  Their ideas fascinate me, their questions challenge me, and their kindness warms my heart. Nate and Dave are two special men with whom I am incredibly proud.

4. My beautiful daughter in laws.  Oh my, I love them.  These ladies are thoughtful, creative, funny, and smart. When I watch them love on our sons, my heart swells. These girls are also my dear friends and I feel very lucky for their friendship!

5.  My precious parents whose consistent love and generosity continues to amaze me.  Their ability to love deeply, pray regularly, and creatively love on all of their children, grandchildren and great- grandchildren is an example I pray I will follow.  My parents legacy in my life cannot be expressed in words. I am so thankful for them.

6.  My “extended” family~  The word “extended” encompasses so many precious people:  my incredible sisters, creative and caring nieces and nephews, Aunts and Uncles that I adore, Cousins who I care deeply for, my mother and father in law whom I love, so many people who bless my life and heart!

7.  Dear loyal friends. So many amazing people who have walked alongside Greg and I for years and years; cheering us on, giving wise counsel, making memories, and weathering storms….If I named them one by one the list would go on and on……

8.  Our Coachwell Clients (leaders and friends)~I find it simply amazing that I have the incredible privilege to work with, care for, and be a cheerleader alongside so many world-changers!  These leaders bless me more than I could ever express…but I will never stop trying to let them know how much they mean to me!

9.  Our Coachwell team.  We work with a team with such great hearts; loving towards our clients, vendors, us, and one another.  We look forward to continuing the journey with them alongside us!

10. My Church.  Our spiritual family are a gathering of kind people.  We have enjoyed 4 years of growing alongside so many folks working hard to grow in Christ and make a difference in our community and beyond.  Whether it be a teaching, worship, small group, or a women’s events~ all of it has given me opportunity after opportunity to grow! I am thankful for them.

Well, when I started this list I wasn’t sure where it would end up.  However, One thing that I have realized is that PEOPLE are what I am grateful for!  So on this Thanksgiving Day I hope you find yourself somewhere in my LIST and know that I am very thankful for YOU this year!

Have a truly meaningful Thanksgiving this year. 🙂

Keys to key Relationships! (re-post)

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Building  Amazing Relationships!

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Relationships can bring us our greatest joys and our deepest wounds. We can’t control how others choose to respond in their relationships with us, but we can establish our own ground rules for having and maintaining quality relationships.

Below are some thoughts to consider as you navigate the relationships in your life:

1.  Surround yourself with positive people- finding like-minded, positive people will fill your cup. Spending the bulk of your time with those who suck the happiness out of you is unwise and unhealthy.

2. Accept people just the way they are – Save yourself the needless stress of trying to change people who don’t want to change. Fight the urge to engage in fruitless conversations, rather look for areas where you can agree and show support.

3. Forgive people and move forward –  holding anger or bitterness affects us much more than the individual we have been hurt by.  Forgiveness is not saying “What you did or said was okay.”  It is saying “I’m not going to let what you did ruin my happiness or steal my joy.” It doesn’t mean you forget it simply means that you choose to let go.

4.   Do little things for those in your life –  A card, a visit, a gift, an email, a text. Simply take opportunities to connect with and appreciate those your care about.  We all feel a little more valuable when we realize that someone has been thinking of us.

5.  Talk a little less, listen a little more –  Our relationships will grow if we move away from being the talker and take the time to listen! A listening ear is the greatest gift we could give to those we love.

6.  Be Loyal – be the kind of person that believes the best about those you love. Everyone needs to know that someone “has their back”. Be that person.

7.  Pick your battlegrounds – don’t pick petty arguments. We aren’t always “right”.  Focus on the things that truly matter and let the small stuff go!

8.  Encourage and cheer them on –  be excited for those you love! Spur them on! Don’t look at their opportunities or dreams with the lens of what it will cost you, rather keep them the priority.

9.  Remember that everyone has baggage –  we all enter relationship with a suitcase filled with past experiences; successes, disappointments, hurts, etc.  Sometimes that “baggage” effects the relationship and needs to be addressed. However, using grace and understanding will always be the most fruitful approach.

10. Let go of friendships that are no longer healthy – some relationships can run their course and a necessary ending needs to take place. To force relationships to continue when the season is over can be exhausting and eventually more harmful than good.  Be willing to appreciate the relationship for what it was, and then release it and move forward.

Relationships are our most valuable assets and worth the effort to keep them strong and healthy! Test these tips out and see if they help create healthier interactions in your relationships!!  Flourish in the days ahead!!

I am a Millionaire~~

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I am on vacation with my family…On the island of Kauai. This fact alone is enviable and I apologize if it even remotely appears I could be bragging.  However, this trip is not what makes me a millionaire! Rather, it is the people I am sharing this experience with that makes me feel incredibly rich!

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Today we spent 6 hours on a lovely beach; the sun, palm trees, and amazing, warm waters were sincerely lovely BUT the sweet conversations, deep laughter, family banter, rough housing, and the love expressed remind me again, I AM RICH!!

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My family fills my heart.  These individuals are kind, smart and interesting. Watching them interact, respond kindly to those we encounter, and listening to their thoughts and engaging ideas, make me a MILLIONAIRE! It does!  I am deeply grateful and I do not take this precious family for granted!

I pray that when you experience your own families you feel so rich, so fortunate, so blessed~~ Aloha, my friends! 🙂

Keeping Score~

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I remember when our boys were young and our son David was playing soccer.  We’d arrive at the field with our 2nd graders; low back chairs and coffee. Parents of each team would line up on either side of the field ready to cheer on their team; their child. As the boys would run up and down the field it was always exciting to see them get the ball into the goal!

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However, with this age group the rule was that Soccer Is FUN!! We don’t keep score!! I clearly understand the value behind this idea, but I know for certain that every parent was diligently and fervently keeping score!!!  Even me!!  There MUST be a winner, right?

Keeping score gives games a competitive angle; creates a bit of tension, makes it fun! Imagine football or baseball without keeping score! boring!

Keeping score can be a great thing accept in one arena: Relationships!

In relationships having a competitive edge, a bit of tension really isn’t fun.  Interestingly enough though, just like with those childhood soccer games, we have a natural inclination to keep score.

In the Blog “Learn This” the writer shares some great thoughts: “Be willing to offer your help, give of your time, pay for lunch, make an apology first, share some vulnerable personal stories, step out of your comfort zone, make a step in faith, be brave, be first and be generous. Do this without keeping score, offer it every chance you get. Put the effort into your relationships without expectation!  Everything about this aproach changes your attitude, increases your outlook, and keeps you joy filled!  Every personal connection you encounter is an opportunity in your life, both with business colleagues, friendships and family, to learn to NOT keep score!  A chance to forgive quickly and give freely.”

Keeping score causes resentment, irritation, and self-righteousness; all negative! Rather, love without expectation, give freely, and choose peace over being “right”. In doing so…well in Soccer terms~~ YOU WIN!! 🙂

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To the Ladies~ Respectfully.

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Dear Ladies, I wanted to bring to your attention an interesting situation that I have encountered A LOT!  As women, we all want to be treated kindly, spoken to with respect, be cared for, and to have the freedom to “decide” whether we want to engage in intimacy or if we do not; to have the freedom to reject or accept the idea.

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However, so often, as wives we give ourselves the freedom to have a sharp tongue, and to allow our husbands to experience rejection physically.

OUCH– I am stepping on sacred ground, I know. However I have heard this time and time again!

I would be amiss not to address this discrepancy.  IF your husband “rejected you” or used sharp words towards you –I imagine you would be quite unhappy. How can we respond to our “love” in a way the WE would want to be treated??  What would it look like if we only used voice tones that would be acceptable to us??

I can only imagine that our relationships would improve!

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What are your thoughts; I welcome them! 🙂

I am a firm believer of ‘what you give is what you get in return’ as far as human behavior is concerned. If you are a kind wife to your Husband and treat him right, he would cherish you, love you and nurture you in return.

Test it out! I pray your relationships flourish in a fresh way!

Luke 6:31 Says “Do to others as you would have them do to you.”  🙂