legacy

Build Your Family with the End in Mind~

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Last week our Coachwell Team attended the Bend Venture Conference; it was a wealth of information! Part of the event was a seminar entitled “Build Your Company With the End in Mind”   It was so good to talk about making decisions in your company as early as possible with your team to set a course that will your team fired up and committed to the legacy you desire to build.

As I was pondering the statements that had been made concerning how to “begin” a legacy company my mind wandered into realizing that this challenge is the same with our families! Do we truly even think about the “end” as we are busy building our precious families?

What if we built our families with the end in mind?

How would that change the choices you would make with your family today?

Let’s consider a few scenarios:

If you want to be a family who are known for compassion you would need to regularly, as a family, become involved with situations where compassion needs to be applied. Food kitchens, homeless shelters, homes for unwed mothers, and helping your elderly neighbors would be just a few ways you could invite your children to “learn” the beauty of compassion right alongside you.

How about wanting to build a legacy as a family of givers?   I imagine you would want to engage your entire family early on in tithing, missions giving, random acts of financial giving, and financially helping in your local community projects.  There are so many ways to help! Often parents give without their children being involved in the process at all.

I can remember at Christmas every year my parents would gather we girls together and we would use some of our own small coins along with our parents finances to build a special box for our very poor neighbors down the street.  My parents even had us give a piece of our own clothing for the box.  Every Christmas eve we quietly drove to the house and left the box on the front porch to surprise them in the morning.  Believe it or not this was a real joy-filled experience for us all and it helped us tangibly learn to be givers.

Is there something(s) that you can begin to engage your family in together to create a legacy; with the end in mind?

Take a few minutes! If you consider what it means to “build your family with the end in mind” then determine what that “end” is and  begin building that into the DNA of your family life even now! It’s never to late to start!!

Happy Building!

What’s Your Bigger Purpose?

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As we all know, life seems to be moving forward at a break-neck speed, right? Our lives are so busy with our families, our jobs, our heroic attempts at taking care of ourselves, volunteering, shopping, cleaning, laundry, etc.! Whew!! Often times we live with our heads down, focusing on what is necessary “right now”!

Caring for our families, our communities, and ourselves is a very valuable and necessary use of our time; yet do you ever feel a longing to be a part of something bigger than yourself?  Something with lasting impact that reaches beyond your present responsibilities? Something with a deep sense of rich legacy?

There are impacting people in my own community who live their lives with a greater purpose in mind daily. These women are an example of what I’m discussing in this post.

Nita Belles raised her family well, has been faithful to her church, friends, and community. Yet, when she saw the plight of those caught in the horrific effects of human trafficking; she knew she had to step into the ring and make a difference. I’m certain she was already busy in her day-to-day life but she took her passion, made room in her life and became a champion against Human Trafficking. She’s having enormous impact. This is Nita’s Bigger Purpose!          http://www.inourbackyard.org

Heather Nashelle, raising her 6 children while designing jewelry and working hard to build a business and a brand, began to recognize that she could use her passions and concerns to make a huge impact on hunger in her community. Heather decided that for every piece of jewelry purchased a meal is provided for a child. The amount of meals she has provided is astounding! Also from her platform Heather began to teach students to resist bullying, showed them how to make jewelry (one for them and a gift for another), as well as speaking to these young ones about their value and possibilities. Heather continues to be invited into public schools throughout her community and she is presently partnering with more agencies that are also concerned about hunger in our community. Heather’s  impact is enormous.  This is Heather’s Bigger Purpose!   http://www.nashelle.com

You probably have hero’s of your own that inspire you with their passionate thinking and their willingness to step into the ring to make a difference. What drives them? What drives you?

As a young mama the thought of an “extra” involvement might have been more than I could have navigated and yet, in hindsight, I now realize that it didn’t have to be an all or nothing situation! I now know that in the different seasons of life my involvements may look different but I can always have impact! Here are some of the create ways to make a difference:

  1. Pray.
  2. Donate food, clothing, finances.
  3. Volunteer (even in small amounts) to support your area of passion.
  4. Babysit so that someone else can volunteer.
  5. Use Social Media to make others aware of the area of passion/non-profit that has gripped your heart in this season of life.

As you can see, there are diverse ways to make a difference in that Bigger Purpose in your life!

So, what moves your heart? What makes you cry? What causes you concern? What drives you to prayer? What is your “Bigger Purpose”?  What can you bravely step creatively into so that you can help bring awareness, change, and hope?

Recently, I stepped onto the Board of Habitat for Humanity in Bend, Oregon. It was a year ago that I was invited to become involved in small ways with the non-profit; I took time to learn, engage with those who presently served, and got to see the impact they had on the lives of families who, outside of the assistance of Habitat for Humanity, would never stand the chance of having a house of their own! I cannot build a house, I cannot be on the finance committee, but I can do something…and so I am! This has become my “Bigger Purpose” in this season of my life!   http://www.bendhabitat.org

 

What’s your Bigger Purpose?

Happy Valentines Day! Keeping it Real!

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So Blissful! So in love! 

It was 1984  Greg and I had just graduated from S.C.C.  (now Vanguard University) we got married in August,  and we were headed for our first ministry post.  Greg and I loved people, loved God, and hoped to make a difference in the world.

But … we were naive and tried so hard to have a GREAT marriage without having the tools we would need to have a successful marriage!  Caring for our young sons, pouring into our church body, living on pennies, and trying to stay positive in the process became challenging emotionally and relationally.  We meant well, but we were still lacking tools to help us to find joy in our marriage!

After 16 years of marriage, 16 years of sweeping our challenges under the carpet, 16 years of living with hurt feelings, offenses, and anger in our home–I threw my hands up and realized that without a real change Greg and I would not end well. We needed tools to help us build the kind of marriage we encouraged others to have!  There had to be a change!

As I pulled out of the driveway with a packed suitcase in the second seat; the garage door rose and I saw my youngest son standing there with tears and I KNEW that my willful behaviour was not the answer.  We needed tools.

It was at this time that Greg and I put ourselves in counseling, solicited higher accountability, took a true assessment of where our marriage was, and began the needed hard work to move from where we were to where we needed to be.   Anyone who talks to me now will hear me say that I have two marriages: the one before we had tools and the one after we had tools!

Here are the tools we gained:

  1. Active Listening:  With pad and paper we learned to listen and hear one another.  After repeating what we felt we had heard one another say we would then respond by saying “In light of what I have heard you say I imagine you must feel…….”  SO POWERFUL!!  Empathy, hearing each others heart!!
  2. Timing and Tone: Greg and I have learned that conversations, challenging ones, are completely unfruitful after 9 pm.!  AND our tone of voice can sabotage a positive end result.  Therefore, our timing and tone in our marriage makes a huge difference!
  3.  We are responsible for our own self-care:  Greg and I have learned that if our life rhythms are off-balance then our marriage will be adversely affected!  Each of us needs to build our Spiritual Connection, build into our physical and emotional health, and modify our schedules in order to have quality time with one another.
  4. We must choose kindness!  Greg and I are similar and yet very different.  We compliment each other; we fill the gap for each other.  However, unless this is something we embrace we can become offended by one others differences!  Learning to appreciate our differences, learning to show kindness; even appreciation, for our distinctiveness helps to build great equity in our marriage.

It was in 2003 when Greg and I renewed our wedding vows.  We had learned to listen, appreciate one another, to value our differences, and to approach one another with a fresh understanding of the impact of “timing and tone”.  If we had not stayed the course, if we had abandoned ship; we would have missed the richest years of our lives!!

How do you feel this Valentines Day?  is it time to really dig in and grow?  to get wise counsel? to acquire tools to help you move from a strife-filled marriage to a friendship-filled marriage??  Then DO IT!! gather the tools you need and watch how the dynamics of your marriage begin to change!  It’s never too late!!

So grateful we didn’t give up; just keeping it real!

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Entering Eternity~

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As you may know my blog thoughts are always pulled from profound (and sometimes simple) lessons that I learn from real life. That being said, I have sat on this blog as I reflect on the passing of a good man……a great man….and the impact of his life on me personally.

Steve Stern passed away triumphantly this week gaining a free body in the process.  We are all so joyfilled by that knowledge; yet we are saddened that he ever had to fight the beast ALS at all!! So joy and sadness collide!

There is no justice that I could ever do to honor his passing than to lead you to the last blog post of his amazing and courageous bride.  So, I will direct you to her blog– let her thoughts simmer in your soul as you consider the end of your life and the difference between a hope in salvation and eternity, and an end without it.

There is a profound difference.  A precious life is not longer with us BUT his legacy, his impact will be endless–you just watch! God trusted him with ALS.

Please read~ it will rock your spirit!

On The Day You Flew

What will be said of Me?

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I have a wonderful privilege of gathering with some amazing women every other week to spend time talking about the things that we care deeply about.  We discuss the season of life we are presently in and look for quality ways to navigate the many challenges and opportunities we encounter everyday. We talk about learning to say our “best yes”, to make sure we find ways to re-fuel in order to be the best version of ourselves, and we look at focusing on those things we consider the highest priorities at this time, using them as a good filter when choosing how to best use our time.  These conversations are always rich and encouraging.

Last night we spent our time talking about Legacy.  We were all able to point to a person in our life who impacted us in a powerful way. Each one of us teared up simply talking about it! We could clearly see that without the gift of that person having touched our lives we would not be the women we are today.  Then we turned our attention to the fact that each one of us could be “that” person in someone’s life.  Down the road when a group of women gather, perhaps our name with be the one mentioned when expressing appreciation for key impact on their lives.  This is what leaving a Legacy looks like.  Lasting impact.

In a small study written by Dr. James Dobson, he expresses Legacy this way:

“Legacy is what future generations recall about you. You are a patriarch or a matriarch and your children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren will take what you have done with your life and build on their own lives.  It is the continuation of your ministry and influence (both positive and negative) beyond your lifetime, reflecting what you value and what you believe is important.”

Wow, does that mean that the choices, behaviours, values, and traditions we do ( or don’t) intentionally choose will be passed on to our future family? You bet!  Think about your family of origin; is there a legacy you feel compelled to carry forward?  Perhaps that legacy was unhealthy and you now have the chance to make choices that will turn it around in your generation.  Choosing to leave a good and lasting Legacy requires intentionality, long-term vision, strong values, and time spent building rich relationships.  We all have a choice as to the Legacy we leave behind.

Look at your life today and answer this question: “Who influenced you to be who you are today and how does their Legacy encourage you to leave behind a Legacy that continues to bear good fruit in the lives of those you dearly love? Take time to write out the type of Legacy you would like to leave behind and then make choices consistent with your hearts desire.  🙂

“Carve your name on hearts, not tombstones. A legacy is etched into the minds of others and the stories they share about you.” ~ Shannon L. Alder

The Measure of a Man~~Endings can be Unexpected.

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This afternoon I attended a memorial that I would never have anticipated.  The service was for a man, mid 60’s, full of life, personality, music, and fun! When I was told he had suddenly passed away– well, it took my breath away!

When my sons were in High School, this man’s daughter attended the same High School.  Our kids were involved in the same music and drama departments, so Greg and I often sat shoulder to shoulder with this couple as we all faithfully attended  so many of our “kids” events!  He loved his family–it was as so evident!

About 2 years ago, during a church service I saw he and his wife across the aisle; they may have been attending our church for a while but it was the first time I had seen them there.  Little did I know then that this precious man was on a journey to know Christ in a new and deeply profound way!  It was only a couple of months later that Greg and I got to witness him being baptised in water professing his deep committment to Christ.  Yes, there were tears!

What meant the most to me was that his two adult children were at the baptism to support their dad in his faith.  I remember him, with tears in his eyes, saying that it was the rich committment to God that he had seen in his kids that had helped him come to a new place of trust and faith in the Lord. His only regret had been that He hadn’t had a faith strong enough to lead THEM into a deeper walk. What was happening in his spirit was real and everyone who knew him could see it.

It wasn’t long before he and his wife Cathy began to be a part of a small group as well as serving at the church Coffee Corner!  We had the joy of hearing this gentleman play piano for worship on numerous occasions; his face just beaming.

Earlier this year he had given himself permission to go on a Holy Land tour with our church; this had been on his bucket list!!  The trip was emotional and meaningful for him, even causing him to kiss the steps where he had learned that Jesus had walked.

Most recently he had become a grandpa; a great joy…..so many wonderful experiences had come full circle.

Who would have known that today a memorial would have been held to celebrate his life!  And that’s where you and I are all affected…….We don’t know how much time we have with those we love, nor do we know when the Lord will take US home…..

While I listened to the heartfelt and profound thoughts of his adult daughter and son I was so struck by the fact that, though he was not a perfect man, he made choices in his life that have left a huge legacy for his family…and a huge hole in our community. He cared for people, he lit up a room when he entered it, he took time to pour into people ” just because”…no agenda.  He was passionate about life, the health of our country, pouring into the youth of our community from teenagers on down to toddlers. He love his wife and kids; attending each and every meaningful event, planned numberous vacations to build rich memories and a passion for life! He was a faithful husband, father, friend, businessman, and community leader.

As friends and family took the microphone to share personal thoughts the words “caring, kind, funny, honest, faithful, passionate, and loving” were repeated over and over again. But-what I heard from those that knew him best was that he had really found joy, hope, and peace in his new and profound relationship with Christ.  Comitting His life to Christ, walking in Grace, learning that God is trustworthy, and understanding that He had been marvelously and miraculously saved by God, had made all the difference.  I don’t know this, but I can imagine he had wished he had walked in this rich relationship with God much earlier in his life!

For all of us the question is, Have we made the most important things a priority?  Are we seeking to know Christ more every day? Are we being truly present with family and friends? Are we making sure that those we love KNOW how much we love them and why we appreciate and respect them?  Don’t wait! Let’s re-focus today ~~ we truly do not know what tomorrow may bring.

Bill- you will be missed. In the words of your family~ “We trust that in heaven you are playing a keyboard and joking with the angels.”

We will see you again.

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Going the distance in your Marriage~

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Two days ago I returned from a spectacular Anniversary celebration on the Island of Maui with my husband of 30 years ~ it is a trip I am very, very grateful for.  To be able to celebrate 30 years of marriage; to still enjoy time together, to laugh, to adventure, and to love, makes me feel so fortunate.

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Marriage takes work, relationships take work.  That being said, it’s not ALL work.  Marriage takes a whole lot of different elements to go the distance. Here’s what I’ve learned in my marriage “journey”.

1.  Communication~ It was lack of communication that almost caused an ending to our marriage almost 15 years ago.  Both of us spent our time reacting and talking over one another. We would  offend one another and one of us would always shut down.  Obviously this was not fruitful.  With the help of a wonderful counselor, Greg and I learned the art of active listening.  Learning to actually listen, hear, and learn empathy–even if we didn’t always agree–made all the difference.  We are still learners but we have come a long way!

2. Having a relationship with God and sharing it with one another~ In marriage you learn early on the your partner cannot meet every need in your life, fill every hole, fix every challenge. It’s simply impossible. To know that there is One, our Saviour, who knows you deeply, and loves you, absolutely makes such a difference in the area of expectations and personal confidence. Sharing that rich faith together helps to bind your hearts and values. Together you can take your needs, concerns, and difficulties to Him. A shared faith makes a huge difference.

3.  Laughter ~ Life can feel very serious; often time it IS serious.  It’s super important to remember to laugh. Allowing yourselves as a couple to grab times of light-hearted playfulness makes a huge difference.  Greg and I have learned to play games together, listen to 70’s music (singing along, oh my!), and many other activities that allow us to focus on simply being friends.

4.  Ask for help ~ over the years Greg and I faced challenging turning points that could have stolen our 30 year anniversary from us! There is a trail of amazing people who stood with us, encouraged us, challenged us, and walked us into greater relational health.  We are eternally grateful! We couldn’t have made the changes that were needed without the love and support of good people!

5. Making an effort to be the best version of yourself ~ None of us are perfect. However, I believe that if we are taking care of our health, emotional well-being, and spiritual depth, we will be a healthier life partner.  Challenges come in all of these areas without being invited, BUT if we are living a life where we are personally addressing these key areas we will walk through the uninvited challenges better.  Insecurity, exhaustion, and fearfulness can play a real negative role in our marriage relationships.

6.  Build a good posse of friends/family with strong marriages ~ Having couples around you who are growing in their marriages, who are honest about marriage challenges, and who value their spouses makes a big difference in your ability to go the distance in your marriage.  As couples we can learn from one another, stand with one another, pray for one another, and celebrate with one another through the season of life! This has been key for us!!

7. Dream together ~ if you can’t dream with one another WHO can you dream with?  It’s fun to think about the future, consider ideas that are “out of the box”, share your crazy ideas, and even take risks to make that dream come true! Life can feel awful dull without dreaming…….. 🙂

There are so many elements that go into a marriage that can stand the test of time; to go the distance.  I’m sure I’ve left some out.  But these are my thoughts as I ponder our 30 years of marriage.  I’d love to hear your ideas too!! 🙂 and perhaps you’ll celebrate YOUR anniversary look out at an amazing sunset just as Greg and I did last week! Best to you and YOUR marriage.

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Who you are today has generational impact~

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Over the weekend we had the joy and privilege of celebrating my parents 60th Wedding Anniversary.  What a meaningful time.  There were tears, laughter, dancing, and lots of love expressed as the evening went on. One of our guests pointed out a very obvious fact; if my parents had not met and married 24 of us would not be here today!  Think about that; all of our lives stem from their love!!

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As four generations gathered together it was clear to see the impact my parents have had on all our lives; their rich committment and love for Christ and one another has produced a family built on those same commitments.  Their willingness to work hard in the trenches to build and maintain a loving marriage was not easy and yet they forged ahead through good times and bad. The marriages of their daughters and grandchildren are built on those same commitments; we all plan to celebrate our 60th wedding anniversaries~ Lord willing. 🙂

Here’s a truth for us all~ the choices we make today impact the next generation. Whether you are married or not, have even experienced divorce, we can make a committment today to live a life of legacy.  Our choices, words, commitments, and behaviours will trickle down into the generation that will follow us.  Whether we are a parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, sibling, or friend~ our choices today will have lasting impact.

“No matter who we are, where we live, or what our goals may be, we all have one thing in common: a heritage. That is, a social, emotional and spiritual legacy passed on from parent to child. Every one of us is passed a heritage, lives out a heritage, and gives a heritage to our family. It’s not an option. Parents always pass to their children a legacy … good, bad or some of both.”  by J. Otis Ledbetter, Kurt Bruner

It was a proud weekend for us as we all gathered in a circle to pray a prayer of thankfulness for our heritage~ and now the responsibility is on our generation to carry the legacy we’ve been richly given on to our children and grandchildren.

“The choices we make about the lives we live determine the kinds of legacies we leave.”Travis Smiley

 

 

Things we might regret~

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This past week I had the privilege of traveling with my mother and her sister on a road trip to see one of their lifelong friends a few hours away.  This would be a 3 day trip full of laughter, meaningful conversations, shared memories from days gone by, and lots of reminiscing.   I enjoyed the time I had with them all; each of them are so precious to me.  One of the comments was that “time has just gone by so very quickly”, I even see this in my own life as I am celebrating 30 years of marriage this week.  Life does indeed move forward quickly.

Since I returned from the road trip I have been looking at my own life and asking the question, “am I doing all I can to live this life well, with purpose and meaning?”  As I think about that question my answer is “yes, some of the time.” I could do better.

I began to ponder the question, “What might we all regret when we get into our twilight years?”  and I came up with a list of things to consider.

1.  Not stopping to appreciate the “moment”.  Living life so busy-minded that we miss so many amazing moments all around us.

2.  Not traveling when we could have.  Seeing and experiencing other cultures makes a huge difference in our world view and can create memories to last forever.

3.  Holding grudges.  How sad to live life as a hostage to hurt feelings! Gotta let it go!

4.  Not having taken time to get to know God~ to invite Him into our lives. He gave us the very breath we breathe; how amazing to have a life knowing and trusting in Him.

5.  Not having taken time to volunteer.  Life is so much richer when we take time to come alongside those wanting to make a difference!

6.  Not spending intentional time with loved ones.  It’s a sad truth to realize that we don’t know how long we get to have those we love in our lives.  It’s best not to put relationships off “till tomorrow”.

7.  Caring too much what others think.   We will never please everyone all the time.  As much as we may try, there will always be those who see us through a filter that we cannot control.  Care more about being the best YOU that you can be!

8.  Working too much.   Decide when then work day needs to be done.  Disengage and fill your life with life-giving activities and people.

9.  Never having taken risks to pursue a dream.   Do you have a dream in your heart? Are you playing it so safe that your dream will never be realized?

10. Worrying too much.   Life is complicated and uncertain.  All of us could focus on areas of concern and find ourselves consumed with fear and worry.  However, worry robs us of joy.  We will regret having spent our days burdened and concerned.

It was fun to hear of all the ways my mom and her sister intentionally built memories from childhood till now.  When life was hard for them; they created space for joy and laughter.  When life has been joy-filled they have intentionally celebrated those moments with gratefulness.  No matter what stage of life you may be in; ask yourself if there’s anything on my list that YOU may regret someday.  If there is there’s no time like the present to turn it around! 🙂

We need Sage Seniors~

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Last night my husband and I led a marriage event at our local church. We were teaching couples in the “Art” of Active Listening.  I had imagined that the bulk of our attendance would be younger couples eager to tackle the challenges of  newer marriages.  Imagine my surprise when numerous mature couples began to fill the building.  I was very blessed to recognize that these older folks still wanted to work on their marriages! wow!  I can only imagine the example this set for our younger generation.  We need our sage seniors in our lives!

I was tickled that my own parents who have been married 60 years attended this event led by us, their own kids!  In talking with them they expressed sincerely that they felt the tool we were teaching would bring value to them as well.  The interesting twist here is this:  one of the couples at our table whose relationship has been a very difficult one, made the effort to come but had nowhere for their 4 month old baby.  My mother, sensing the need for this couple to have an opportunity to grow, asked to hold this little girl who fell asleep in her arms for 90 minutes, giving them a chance to focus on their relationship. The young mom cried tears of gratefulness for the love she had been shown.  We need sage seniors in our lives!

I am certain that God intended us to have impact far into our twilight years.  I believe our impact can only be richer, wiser, and more valuable.   For those of you who are presently Sage Seniors I ask that you continue to pour into our lives. Pray for us and speak wisdom into our life situations.  For those of us who are knocking on the door of our seniors years I ask that we keep looking for places to have impact, to mentor, to use the lessons we’ve learned to help others.  For the younger generation I would challenge you to seek out the wisdom of those seniors in your sphere of life.  In areas of finances, marriage, or faith, these sage seniors in your life can help you to miss some of the mistakes others have made.

Psalm 92:14

They will still yield fruit in old age; They shall be full of sap and very green.

Job 12:12

“Wisdom is with aged people, With long life comes understanding.

Such a great reminder! 🙂