wives

Going the distance in your Marriage~

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Two days ago I returned from a spectacular Anniversary celebration on the Island of Maui with my husband of 30 years ~ it is a trip I am very, very grateful for.  To be able to celebrate 30 years of marriage; to still enjoy time together, to laugh, to adventure, and to love, makes me feel so fortunate.

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Marriage takes work, relationships take work.  That being said, it’s not ALL work.  Marriage takes a whole lot of different elements to go the distance. Here’s what I’ve learned in my marriage “journey”.

1.  Communication~ It was lack of communication that almost caused an ending to our marriage almost 15 years ago.  Both of us spent our time reacting and talking over one another. We would  offend one another and one of us would always shut down.  Obviously this was not fruitful.  With the help of a wonderful counselor, Greg and I learned the art of active listening.  Learning to actually listen, hear, and learn empathy–even if we didn’t always agree–made all the difference.  We are still learners but we have come a long way!

2. Having a relationship with God and sharing it with one another~ In marriage you learn early on the your partner cannot meet every need in your life, fill every hole, fix every challenge. It’s simply impossible. To know that there is One, our Saviour, who knows you deeply, and loves you, absolutely makes such a difference in the area of expectations and personal confidence. Sharing that rich faith together helps to bind your hearts and values. Together you can take your needs, concerns, and difficulties to Him. A shared faith makes a huge difference.

3.  Laughter ~ Life can feel very serious; often time it IS serious.  It’s super important to remember to laugh. Allowing yourselves as a couple to grab times of light-hearted playfulness makes a huge difference.  Greg and I have learned to play games together, listen to 70’s music (singing along, oh my!), and many other activities that allow us to focus on simply being friends.

4.  Ask for help ~ over the years Greg and I faced challenging turning points that could have stolen our 30 year anniversary from us! There is a trail of amazing people who stood with us, encouraged us, challenged us, and walked us into greater relational health.  We are eternally grateful! We couldn’t have made the changes that were needed without the love and support of good people!

5. Making an effort to be the best version of yourself ~ None of us are perfect. However, I believe that if we are taking care of our health, emotional well-being, and spiritual depth, we will be a healthier life partner.  Challenges come in all of these areas without being invited, BUT if we are living a life where we are personally addressing these key areas we will walk through the uninvited challenges better.  Insecurity, exhaustion, and fearfulness can play a real negative role in our marriage relationships.

6.  Build a good posse of friends/family with strong marriages ~ Having couples around you who are growing in their marriages, who are honest about marriage challenges, and who value their spouses makes a big difference in your ability to go the distance in your marriage.  As couples we can learn from one another, stand with one another, pray for one another, and celebrate with one another through the season of life! This has been key for us!!

7. Dream together ~ if you can’t dream with one another WHO can you dream with?  It’s fun to think about the future, consider ideas that are “out of the box”, share your crazy ideas, and even take risks to make that dream come true! Life can feel awful dull without dreaming…….. 🙂

There are so many elements that go into a marriage that can stand the test of time; to go the distance.  I’m sure I’ve left some out.  But these are my thoughts as I ponder our 30 years of marriage.  I’d love to hear your ideas too!! 🙂 and perhaps you’ll celebrate YOUR anniversary look out at an amazing sunset just as Greg and I did last week! Best to you and YOUR marriage.

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Musings on Marriage~

/ salciccioli

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I am enjoying the privilege of leading a bible study with 6 precious young wives on the subject of marriage.  I am the leader of the study, yet I am a constant learner along with each one of them.  After almost 30 years of marriage I recognize that you never arrive at a PERFECT relationship.  Marriage is a process of growing and stretching through the many different seasons and changes in our lives.  Marriage is a committment to being a good friend~no matter what.

“Happily ever after is not a fairy tale. It’s a choice.”

In discussions about marriage some key issues continually come up:  communication, expectations, and forgiveness.  These areas can be where hurt and disconnect can be found. So, in light of this I wanted to offer a few thoughts that might serve to encourage you as you commit to building a rich, thriving marriage.

*   Active Listening:  taking the time to truly listen to your loved one, repeating back to them to see if you truly understood what they are trying to say, and them expressing how you imagine they might feel can bring clarity and empathy even if you don’t fully agree.  Everyone needs to have the freedom to express themselves; to be heard.  Practicing this kind of intentional listening will help build better communication and cause you to feel a greater connection to one another.

*  Balancing Expectations:  Have you ever thought through all the elements you may expect in your marriage?

  • To be able to talk everything through & find resolution
  • That we & our partner should never argue, fight or withdraw, always take care of each other & agree on everything
  • A wonderful sexual relationship, full of sexual passion
  • Each other to take their own responsibility for their own feelings, able to share love, rather than expect our partner to fill us up with their love
  • To have a lot of fun & easily laugh together
  • To have similar interests
  • Our partner to financially contribute
  • A certain level of contribution towards the household & childcare
  • Respect, admiration & deep trust
  • A relationship full of affection, holding, cuddling & kissing
  • To find each other infinitely interesting, look forward to being together & sharing ideas
  • Companionship
  • The same religious beliefs
  • Shared, common spiritual values

These elements are all good; however these areas can grow over time as the marriage matures, listening increases, and each individual grows deeper in their relationship with the Lord. Keep them as good goals but don’t expect perfection all the time.

“A great marriage is not when the ‘perfect couple’ comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.”

*  Forgiveness:   We all need forgiveness.  We all have a bad day, make mistakes, and respond improperly.  In my early years of marriage I would hold onto those things that hurt or frustrated me.  When I would do this I could easily find myself irritated by the smallest things simply because I had a stockpile of things I’d not yet forgiven. The older I get the more I recognize the huge value in keeping a short record of unforgivenes.  Fact is, I need to be forgiven often too.

“A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.”

As you celebrate Valentine’s Day this next week may you embark on the richest year of marriage ever!

Keeping Score~

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I remember when our boys were young and our son David was playing soccer.  We’d arrive at the field with our 2nd graders; low back chairs and coffee. Parents of each team would line up on either side of the field ready to cheer on their team; their child. As the boys would run up and down the field it was always exciting to see them get the ball into the goal!

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However, with this age group the rule was that Soccer Is FUN!! We don’t keep score!! I clearly understand the value behind this idea, but I know for certain that every parent was diligently and fervently keeping score!!!  Even me!!  There MUST be a winner, right?

Keeping score gives games a competitive angle; creates a bit of tension, makes it fun! Imagine football or baseball without keeping score! boring!

Keeping score can be a great thing accept in one arena: Relationships!

In relationships having a competitive edge, a bit of tension really isn’t fun.  Interestingly enough though, just like with those childhood soccer games, we have a natural inclination to keep score.

In the Blog “Learn This” the writer shares some great thoughts: “Be willing to offer your help, give of your time, pay for lunch, make an apology first, share some vulnerable personal stories, step out of your comfort zone, make a step in faith, be brave, be first and be generous. Do this without keeping score, offer it every chance you get. Put the effort into your relationships without expectation!  Everything about this aproach changes your attitude, increases your outlook, and keeps you joy filled!  Every personal connection you encounter is an opportunity in your life, both with business colleagues, friendships and family, to learn to NOT keep score!  A chance to forgive quickly and give freely.”

Keeping score causes resentment, irritation, and self-righteousness; all negative! Rather, love without expectation, give freely, and choose peace over being “right”. In doing so…well in Soccer terms~~ YOU WIN!! 🙂

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To the Ladies~ Respectfully.

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Dear Ladies, I wanted to bring to your attention an interesting situation that I have encountered A LOT!  As women, we all want to be treated kindly, spoken to with respect, be cared for, and to have the freedom to “decide” whether we want to engage in intimacy or if we do not; to have the freedom to reject or accept the idea.

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However, so often, as wives we give ourselves the freedom to have a sharp tongue, and to allow our husbands to experience rejection physically.

OUCH– I am stepping on sacred ground, I know. However I have heard this time and time again!

I would be amiss not to address this discrepancy.  IF your husband “rejected you” or used sharp words towards you –I imagine you would be quite unhappy. How can we respond to our “love” in a way the WE would want to be treated??  What would it look like if we only used voice tones that would be acceptable to us??

I can only imagine that our relationships would improve!

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What are your thoughts; I welcome them! 🙂

I am a firm believer of ‘what you give is what you get in return’ as far as human behavior is concerned. If you are a kind wife to your Husband and treat him right, he would cherish you, love you and nurture you in return.

Test it out! I pray your relationships flourish in a fresh way!

Luke 6:31 Says “Do to others as you would have them do to you.”  🙂