active listening

For Better or For Worse~

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When we were graduating college students, preparing to get married over the summer, we engaged in a solid Pre-Marriage course at our university.  The leader addressed all the hard questions to which we responded with twitterpated eyes, ” yes, we understand, but we won’t struggle with “that”. When our wedding day arrived Greg looked so handsome and I felt like a beauty queen in the wedding dress my mother had made.  Towards the end of the ceremony the pastor asked if I would marry Greg “For Better or For Worse”.  I think I probably giggled and said an emphatic “Yes!”

On the front side of a committed relationship we cannot imaging not seeing eye to eye, we can’t envision hurting one another or experiencing extreme challenge; it’s just not a reality we had come to experience at that point in our relationship.

However, the “For Better or For Worse” is the most important sentence in the traditional wedding vows!  For Greg and I, we experienced being very poor, getting pregnant 3 months after being married, moving 7 times in 5 years, health issues, and relational strife.  The reality of what “For Better or For Worse” began to sink in.

Greg and I have been fortunate to have been surrounded by incredible friends and family who were “for ” us in every way; even if that meant speaking the truth to us directly. After 16 years we knew we had hit a challenge we couldn’t fix on our own. Could we navigate this “For Better or For Worse” or would we crumble under the weight of our relational challenges?  We had to decide we were going to work, and work hard to be faithful to those words we had committed to so many years before.

IF we had given up and thrown in the towel during those most challenging times we would have missed the incredibly precious season we are experiencing now.  It would have been so very sad!

Greg and I had to learn new skills to appreciate our differences, learn to communicate and know that we were heard, and we needed to check in with each other asking key questions to help us begin to protect and care for our relationship.  I want to share a couple with you:

  1.  Take time every week to sit together in a quiet place ( before you are exhausted by the  day) and ask one another these three questions:   A.  This week did you feel loved by me?  B. This week did you feel that I truly listened to you?  C.  This week did you feel respected by me?   IF you will answer honestly letting your partner know how you feel and what you need from them you WILL grow closer!  It’s a commitment that will rock your relationship!
  2. Learn Active Listening!  So much of our interaction at home is impacted by kids, TV, Phones, Computers, Sports, Etc.   It’s so easy to assume we have had a good conversation and yet, no one really paid close attention to what each other said.  We assumed we have passed on information well only to find out that you may not have.  Ever heard your partner say this,:  ” Did you ever tell me that?”  😦  Active Listening is about sitting across from each other and while our partner is sharing we just listen and WRITE!  When they are done sharing the listener repeats what they’ve heard and asks of they have “gotten it”.  When there is agreement that the one partner has been heard~ SWITCH ~ and start the process over with the one who was listening before!  Sounds a bit intimidating and new but it will revolutionize your relationship!
  3. Make sure you have some shoulder to shoulder activities on the calendar: go to the gym, take in a movie, go to a cooking class, ride bikes or hike together, play cards, or just simply read books side by side while sipping on a favorite beverage. You need time to play, laugh, and have fresh experiences!

Certainly there are many tools to help build your relationship and to make it easier to navigate any of the ” For Better or For Worse” experiences you may have but these are a few we have found to be tried and true!

This Valentines Day- beyond the flowers, dinners, and chocolate- how about making a commitment to having a rock solid marriage to your Best Friend!

“So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s going to be really hard; we’re gonna have to work at this everyday, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, everyday. You and me… everyday.”  Nicholas Sparks

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!

Going the distance in your Marriage~

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Two days ago I returned from a spectacular Anniversary celebration on the Island of Maui with my husband of 30 years ~ it is a trip I am very, very grateful for.  To be able to celebrate 30 years of marriage; to still enjoy time together, to laugh, to adventure, and to love, makes me feel so fortunate.

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Marriage takes work, relationships take work.  That being said, it’s not ALL work.  Marriage takes a whole lot of different elements to go the distance. Here’s what I’ve learned in my marriage “journey”.

1.  Communication~ It was lack of communication that almost caused an ending to our marriage almost 15 years ago.  Both of us spent our time reacting and talking over one another. We would  offend one another and one of us would always shut down.  Obviously this was not fruitful.  With the help of a wonderful counselor, Greg and I learned the art of active listening.  Learning to actually listen, hear, and learn empathy–even if we didn’t always agree–made all the difference.  We are still learners but we have come a long way!

2. Having a relationship with God and sharing it with one another~ In marriage you learn early on the your partner cannot meet every need in your life, fill every hole, fix every challenge. It’s simply impossible. To know that there is One, our Saviour, who knows you deeply, and loves you, absolutely makes such a difference in the area of expectations and personal confidence. Sharing that rich faith together helps to bind your hearts and values. Together you can take your needs, concerns, and difficulties to Him. A shared faith makes a huge difference.

3.  Laughter ~ Life can feel very serious; often time it IS serious.  It’s super important to remember to laugh. Allowing yourselves as a couple to grab times of light-hearted playfulness makes a huge difference.  Greg and I have learned to play games together, listen to 70’s music (singing along, oh my!), and many other activities that allow us to focus on simply being friends.

4.  Ask for help ~ over the years Greg and I faced challenging turning points that could have stolen our 30 year anniversary from us! There is a trail of amazing people who stood with us, encouraged us, challenged us, and walked us into greater relational health.  We are eternally grateful! We couldn’t have made the changes that were needed without the love and support of good people!

5. Making an effort to be the best version of yourself ~ None of us are perfect. However, I believe that if we are taking care of our health, emotional well-being, and spiritual depth, we will be a healthier life partner.  Challenges come in all of these areas without being invited, BUT if we are living a life where we are personally addressing these key areas we will walk through the uninvited challenges better.  Insecurity, exhaustion, and fearfulness can play a real negative role in our marriage relationships.

6.  Build a good posse of friends/family with strong marriages ~ Having couples around you who are growing in their marriages, who are honest about marriage challenges, and who value their spouses makes a big difference in your ability to go the distance in your marriage.  As couples we can learn from one another, stand with one another, pray for one another, and celebrate with one another through the season of life! This has been key for us!!

7. Dream together ~ if you can’t dream with one another WHO can you dream with?  It’s fun to think about the future, consider ideas that are “out of the box”, share your crazy ideas, and even take risks to make that dream come true! Life can feel awful dull without dreaming…….. 🙂

There are so many elements that go into a marriage that can stand the test of time; to go the distance.  I’m sure I’ve left some out.  But these are my thoughts as I ponder our 30 years of marriage.  I’d love to hear your ideas too!! 🙂 and perhaps you’ll celebrate YOUR anniversary look out at an amazing sunset just as Greg and I did last week! Best to you and YOUR marriage.

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Skills for Life!

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My husband and I enjoyed the opportunity to train passionate leaders in the skills needed to coach people well.  We loved getting to hear their stories, experiences, and anticipation for their opportunities in the season ahead.  Some of these leaders could retire; and yet they are looking for new ways to impact lives in this fresh season, while others desired to gain greater leadership skills to strengthen their present leadership. Whatever the motivations were we knew they would benefit from the training they received.

Throughout the training I kept realizing that the tools we were passing on are actually tools for everyday life, for everyone! So, I thought I’d take a moment to pass some of them on to you!

1.  Choosing to be a person of Character~our character is displayed in our life, leadership, communication, choices, and emotional responses.  If we commit to intentionally choosing to have character when faced with life’s opportunities and obstacles we will have greater success in all we do.

2. Utilize Good Questions~ It’s so easy in our day-to-day lives to talk a lot, share our thoughts, and give our opinions.  However, the most effective way to understand those around us is to ask good questions; lots of them.  Learning to hear the thoughts, experiences, and dreams of those around us will help us to have greater success in all our relationships.  James 1:19 says; ” Let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak…….”

3.  Learn to use Active Listening~  Active listening is simply a tool we like to use to help us to be sure we’ve listened well to those we are leading, coaching, and building relationships with.  Basically it requires a person to listen well and to be able to repeat back by simply saying ” so what I’m hearing you say is………”     The value to entering conversations with Listening in mind is that it shows respect, helps clarify what’s being shared, and it defuses emotions when the topic is challenging.   So often we move through our daily conversations without really hearing, truly understanding, or gaining good clarity.  Using this tool as a coach in invaluable, yet using it in everyday life will give all of us greater success in all our relational connections.

4.  Build accountability into your life~Whenever people are isolated they will become unhealthy in many ways. All of us were made to be in relationship; to learn from one another, grow together, challenge one another, and cheer for one another.  However, it’s easy to keep our relationships only surface deep, not allowing one or two trusting individuals in to provide rich accountability for us.   Proverbs 27:17 says “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” Having accountability built into our lives will keep us on track; will help us to live and lead well.

5.  Keep energy renewal as a regular part of your life~ Every day we expend energy and so often we can keep our nose to the grind and just “press through” our busy schedules thinking we will take a break when we can…….but this is rarely successful.  We were made to take a “sabbath”.  God knew it and dropped it right in the 10 Commandments.  When we fail to renew ourselves we do exactly what the stewardess on your airline flight directs you to do ” put the oxygen mask on YOURSELF before you attempt to help others.”  We can’t meet the needs all around us if we are without air!!  Take time to rest, exercise, spend time with the Lord, engage in a hobby, laugh, and eat well.  These regular practices will impact your life more than you can imagine. And those around you will benefit as well. 🙂

These “Coaching” tips, if applied, will affect every area of your life! So dive in during these summer months and begin to count the fresh WINS in your life!