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Lifegiving Words~

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“The words that people say to us not only have shelf life but the ability to shape life.” Bob Goff

I was a tired young mommy as I grabbed a grocery cart that Monday morning.  My son was 2 months old and far from sleeping through the night.  I spent many of my days in my sweats and a T-shirt as I navigated my new role as a mother; nursing, diapers, laundry, nursing, diapers, dinner….you get the picture!  I loved my new role and my little guy but, clearly, I was tired.

On this particular day I had the opportunity to shower, put on “real clothes”, and head out to grocery shop all on my own.  I was feeling a little refreshed, happy, and actually excited to be out and about.  I think it was somewhere near the milk and cheese aisle when a woman came around the corner, smiled at me, patted my tummy, and asked me when my baby was due!   Right now you are thinking “Oh no!”  right?   Though she meant no ill will, my day was hugely impacted by her misplaced words. I was dashed!

Our words hold a great deal of power to bring encouragement or hurt, to breathe life or suck the air out of a room.  I wish I could say I’ve always been great in using my words for good.  In those moments where I’ve been sharp or unkind there has never been a positive outcome! Never!

Author Michael Hyatt says ” Our words carry enormous weight. More than we sometimes think. They often impact people for decades, providing the courage to press on or one more reason to give up.”

We are human, fallible, and do say careless words. However, we should always strive to choose our words well and wisely.  That little phrase that says “do unto others as you would have them do unto you” is a really good measurement for us all.  How do I want to be spoken to?

Am I saying that our words must always be cheery, happy, and encouraging? No. There are times when we will find ourselves in conflicts.  I would suggest that we speak what is true with good timing and tone; with a desire for understanding and clarity.  Words spoken in anger are like little daggers, they’ll eventually have to be pulled out and given time to heal ~ we’ve all felt them and said them ourselves.

Benjamin Franklin said something really insightful, “Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.”

Be the source of encouragement and “life” to somebody today!

(oh, and I just smiled at the lady in the milk aisle and said I that I already had my little guy weeks ago.  By the embarressed look on her face I probably should have just smiled and kept walking; I think her day was impacted too.)

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Oops!

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It’s going to happen.  It’s inevitable. At least once in your life you are going to fail at something.  Everybody has failed even if they refuse to admit it. Interestingly enough, some of the greatest success stories were born out of some form of failure: Steve Jobs, Walt Disney, even Oprah.  C. S. Lewis said it best “Failures are the finger posts on the road to achievement.”

Failure can be a real opportunity!

  1.  You can learn a great deal from failure IF you choose the to.  For all of us there is room for improvement; failures can bring those needed areas to light and give us the chance to grow!   Hindsight is, indeed, a great teacher. A failure can become a defining reference point when faced with a similar challenge or opportunity.
  2. Failure can make you stronger.  When some people fail they throw in the towel, give up.  Others fail and they seem to find a deep strength within to learn from it and do better next time.  Though it feels really bad in the moment but it shouldn’t stop or break you.  Getting through a challenging failure; in business, a relationship, or experience should help us to learn how really strong we are!
  3. A failure may lead to new opportunities.  Sometimes a failure can lead to a necessary ending; a new direction.  A failure can help us assess if we are on the best path for our lives. A failure, as painful as it can be, might lead you to considering fresh avenues for your life.
  4. Failures simply make the successes so much sweeter! To have grown and learned from a past failure and having  fresh success in a previously challenged area is the best feeling in the world!  The learning and hindsight gained somehow makes the challenge worth it.
“Success consists of going from failure to failure without the loss of enthusiasm”  Winston Churchill
“Failure should be our teacher, not our undertaker. Failure is delay, not defeat. It is a temporary detour, not a dead-end. Failure is something we can avoid only by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.” – Denis Waitley
 
Learn from failures, forgive yourself, stand up tall and move forward with fresh resolve.

Some Relationships are Worth Extra Effort~

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Do you hate conflict? I sure do!! I used to run from it for many years; never expressing myself, wanting to please and appease! But I have learned two things:

1.  It’s so important to address challenges/disagreements in relationships.

2.  It’s so important to be willing to be humble to “not be right” in order to maintain relationships that DO matter.

In my life I am clearly aware that I have friendships/relationships that I want to, well, last forever.  There are times, even in those key relationships, that there may be disagreements.  How do we navigate some of those challenges without losing the friendship? Well, I am still learning.

There are times when it’s important to set boundaries on toxic or untrustworthy relationships…but there are also times when we might want to walk away from a relationship where there has been a challenge and yet, we know in our hearts we want them in our life!

Questions we can ask ourselves in these instances are these:

1. Though there may be a conflict right now, would I be saddened to lose my relationship because of our present challenge?

2.  Could there be a bridge built in our relationship if I humble myself and try to understand the heart and season of my friend?

3. Can I extend grace and am I willing to move forward?

Relationships are so important, take care, wisdom, and a humble heart to navigate~~ but they are worth it!!!

Proverbs 17:17A friend loves at all times, And a brother is born for adversity.

John 15:13“Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.

Is it alright to have Boundaries?

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I’m a people person.  People have always mattered to me; even as a child I felt great empathy and protection for people around me.  Some would say that this is a good trait and I might too.  But love for people without boundaries can create unforeseen challenges and relational mistakes.

Let me add another layer to this discussion by saying that I am also a Christ-follower; wanting to be more like Him each day. Also, take into consideration that I was a Pastor’s wife for over 10 years and truly felt that the right answer to any request had to be “yes.” Somehow setting boundaries with people seems unloving; maybe even unkind.  Right?   Well, that’s what I felt for many years.

Some behavioural styles have an easier time saying “no”, I’m sorry I cannot help”, or “this is not a good time”; while other behavioural styles feel awful if they ever have to say “no”.  I have always admired those who have a stronger resolve with their boundaries because it is something that has taken me years to learn!!

Throughout my life time I have found myself in situations with people where I knew I wasn’t the cause and I knew I couldn’t fix the situation.  I have found myself pouring hours and hours of time into people I “hoped” would get healthier only to realize they are content with their choices.  I have protected people only to find that they were the antagonist in their situations.  I have counseled with people who later turned and said ” I was actually the problem.”

I don’t have any resentment towards those situations because I had put myself there; and I have learned so much from them over the past 10 years!

Setting boundaries helps us to manage our time better; truly investing our time and talents where we should and saying no to those situations or people who would, knowingly, drain our bandwidth to a point of “empty”!

Setting boundaries keeps us safe from engaging in emotional situations that we can’t, or shouldn’t, get caught up in.  We’ve all done it.  We’ve all found ourselves wondering “how did I get involved in this?”  Having quality relational boundaries will help us to have a better filter to know when we “should” step in and when we “should not”.  We can always pray for the situation.

Setting boundaries with our finances or personal items can help us to appropriately help other while not becoming enablers.  Consistently bailing people out, loaning money, cars, or household items can easily create resentment over time and ultimately harm the relationship we are trying to assist! Certainly there are times when sharing what we have is entirely appropriate, but there are clearly times when it is more loving to say “no”.

As a Life Coach, I have had so many conversations with amazing woman who will say, “I just can’t say No”, I don’t want to disappoint anyone”, “They’ll think I don’t care”, or “if I don’t bail them out, what will happen to them?”.  It’s hard to set boundaries.

But~ Boundaries are so necessary.

It would not be possible to enjoy healthy relationships without the existence of personal boundaries, or without our willingness to communicate them honestly with others. Setting personal boundaries can preserve the integrity of your relationships, ward off resentment, and ultimately create environments for honest conversations.

Most people are surprised when I show them from the Bible examples of Jesus setting boundaries and practicing personal soul care.  I would encourage you to read the Article ” Jesus Set Boundaries” to help you re-think about the boundaries in your own life.

http://www.soulshepherding.org/1998/07/jesus-set-boundaries/

I know this can be a challenging topic ~~ but it’s really important.

 

 

 

4 Keys for a Joy-Filled Life~~

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Life is unpredictable.  Life has challenges.  Life can sometimes steal our joy; let’s just be honest about that.  We cannot control everything that comes our way, even if we wish we could! This is why we should be compelled to maintain some key elements in our lives that will help us keep our balance and joy even when faced with uncertainties.

Here are 4 keys that I believe to be essential to maintain a joy-filled life:

1.  LAUGHTER:   There’s just nothing like laughter to release the tension that builds up in our daily lives. A good belly laugh can turn our day completely around! Kathryn Hepburn was quoted as saying  “I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it’s the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It’s probably the most important thing in a person.”  I have to agree! Laughter takes our minds off our “to do” list, our sadness, or our anxieties and allows us to catch our breath!  Ignoring the need for laughter will cause us all to become very serious and introspective.  So plan to lighten up a couple of times a day~~LAUGH!

2.  FORGIVENESS: Martin Luther King said; Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude.” This means forgiveness is a choice.  I “choose” to be unoffendable yet when I am offended I will seek to walk in forgiveness as a gift to myself! Walking in unforgiveness can change us.  Walking in unforgiveness is draining. Walking in unforgiveness steals our joy.  In an article written by Charles Stanly he said that  “It’s probably not surprising to hear that resentment impacts the mind and spirit, but you may not have realized what a physical toll it can also take on us. An attitude of bitterness ratchets up tension and anxiety, which can affect everything from muscles to chemical balance in the brain. Over time, that kind of mayhem weakens the body.”
Therefore If we seek reconciliation when we can and choose forgiveness always, we will stand a greater chance of experiencing a consistent joy-filled life.

3.  Quality Relationships:  Quality relationships are those that bring energy to you as a person.  I’m talking about the deep, unreserved relationships you have within the circle of family and friends that you have. Who are the people who know you and have weathered storms and joys alongside you?  Who are the people who love you unconditionally and call just to see how you’re doing?  Who are those who would never indict you but would have your back in any situation? Isolation is a joy stealer, we all need a handful of people who will lift our spirits when we are down, laugh with us when we need to unwind, and celebrate with us when we are experiencing even a small victory! These are the relationships that deserve to be placed on your calendar and nurtured!  Friendship is the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words.
George Eliot

4.  Times of Solitude:  Unplug.  Turn of your phone. Back away from the computer. Breathe.   Take some time to be silent.  To read or reflect. Take time to pray or journal.  Don’t see this as a waste of time, but as an integral part of your day. We all need periods of solitude, although temperamentally we probably differ in the amount of solitude we need. However, some solitude is essential; It gives us time to explore who we are and how we feel. Solitude gives us a chance to regain perspective. It renews us for the challenges of life. It allows us to get (back) into the position of driving our own lives, rather than having them run by schedules and demands from without. Times of solitude are also a time to connect with God, giving you time to listen to what He may be saying to you. Making times of solitude a priority in your life will help you to find joy; even in the midst of a busy, or challenging season of life.

Begin to practice these 4 Keys on a regular basis and you will begin to see how valuable they are right away!  I want you to live a life that is Joy-filled. THAT is my hope for you! 🙂

Saddest Boy Ever~~

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It was a simple Facebook post, another You Tube video. One of many, many I have seen over the past year.  However, I was ill-prepared for the impact of 39 seconds on my heart!!!

The video is of a drill sergeant who has been called in by a little boys mother to help “scare him straight”. Obviously the little boy had behavior that was out of control and a real challenge to his mama!!Saddest-Boy-Ever The response of that little boy to the officer was astounding as the officer, in an attempt to cause the boy to become afraid of his harsh leadership, answered the sergeant’s question “DO YOU WANT ME TO BE YOUR DADDY TILL YOU’RE 18?? with a sincere response……Yes!

The officer, caught off-guard, shouts at the boy, “WHY DO YOU WANT ME TO BE YOUR DADDY, BOY??  The boys tears up and says in a sincere voice, “Because I don’t got no daddy, sir.”   The officer breaks and grabs that boys in a compassionate hug! I melt into a puddle of tears!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gVXXDtWtHDY               (to find the clip)

I am left thinking about the holidays ahead and the many, many children whose hearts have been broken by being left by a parent because of divorce, death, or other circumstances beyond their control.  God’s word speaks clearly about His heart that we would reach out to the fatherless.

Thinking deeper, I have to consider that kids who misbehave, or “act out”  do so often times, out of a broken heart. Those of us who have known the wonderful love of our parents are so blessed!  Perhaps ,in this holiday season, we can all keep our hearts open to love on kids around us who are facing rejection and challenge.

Is there a child (children) in your world who could use a soft touch of love and encouragement from you today?  Is there a way you can help heal a broken heart; bring hope?

Isaiah 1:17 says; ” Learn to do right; seek justice. Defend the oppressed. Take up the cause of the fatherless; plead the case of the widow.”

You never know how richly you’ll be blessed in the process……………………  🙂

Good Questions~

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Powerful questions can challenge us, help us move forward, and give us the opportunity to assess our lives, motivations, helping us to understand how & why we sabotage ourselves and how & why we are motivated!!! As a Coach, questions are so incredibly important!!

Here are some good questions:

  • 1.  What do I want?
  • 2.  What is the difference between a wish and a goal?
  • 3.  What keeps me going?
  • 4.  What do I need in order to reach my goals?
  • 5.  What am I choosing this week?
  • 6.  If I were at my best, what would I do right now?
  • 7.  What is it to be exceptional?
  • 8.  How can I recharge my batteries
  • 9.  What am I grateful for?
  • 10. What have I learned about myself?

Ask these questions of yourself, ponder them. What is being revealed about YOU? What helpful truths have you recognized that could help you grow; move forward?

For me, answering these questions is both humbling and clarifying!  Good questions can create fresh understanding.  Ask yourself GREAT questions and watch yourself grow in fresh ways!!

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My Life/Business Coaching Interview~

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Recently, I was invited to be interviewed on Life Coaching.  I have had so many people ask me what I do, and why I do it.  I thought this interview gives an answer to those questions!

Thanks for taking time to read! 🙂

Life Coach InterviewQ1.)How did you get into life coaching?

  A1.) I was a pastor’s wife for 16 years before I was trained and certified as a Ministry/Life/Business Coach.  As I look back I can see that I had been a “life coach” for most of my early ministry years in church ministry; I’ve always enjoyed helping people navigate the challenges and changes in their lives! It was my experiences as a ministry leader that helped me see the need for leaders to have someone to process their challenges and dreams with; a safe place to land.  Without it, many leaders end up isolated.  Being trusted to be that “safe place” for numerous women in leadership over the years is something I treasure.

Q2.) What’s your favorite part about being a life coach?

  A2.)I love seeing leaders win!  I love seeing leaders reach goals they never thought they could, get healthier than they ever imagined, grow in their relationships deeper than they thought possible, and lead with confidence. Being a trusted adviser while a leader walks through the many changes and seasons of life is truly amazing. I have a card file that I name the “why I coach file”—in it there are many, many cards that I have received from my clients; the statement on most of them that I love the most is “I just never imagined that I could ________, but I did it!!”

Q3.)What is the biggest misconception about life coaching?

  A3.)Well, there are a few.  One, that coaching is just “talking”.   Coaching is an intentional on-going conversation and exploration of the life and goals for a leader.  Coaching keeps a finger on the pulse of those life accounts that the leader has expressed to have key importance in their lives. The coaching conversation is about action and results.

The second misconception is that Life Coaching is a modern word for counseling.  Truly there are times when I know it’s time in a session to remove my coaching hat and put on my counseling hat; sensitive issues, losses, etc.  But Life Coaching is about “how” to move through those challenges.  A counselor is a better fit for those dealing with deep challenges.

The third misconception is that it is the Coaches role to tell their leaders what they should do; to drive the direction that I think would be best. However, this is not the case.  My role as a Life Coach is to help leaders discover their best direction and then empower them to begin to make needed changes.

  Q4.)How do you incorporate God or biblical principles into your life coaching?

  A4.)I love how Proverbs has so many rich nuggets of wisdom that relate to our lives, I like to use them regularly in helping leaders consider fresh ideas.  Most of my coaching over the past 12 years has been among those who have a strong faith, yet my coaching has spanned across every denomination and non-denomination so I am extremely careful not to coach from my personal biases.

That being said, I have loved the freedom of sharing our faiths with one another and getting the privilege to pray at the end of our sessions.

 Q5.)What is the biggest benefit that your clients rave about after working with you?

 A5.)1..“Having a third-party insight and the voice of wisdom speak into your reality is priceless!”

2.  “Having someone wise and caring outside the organization who believes in you, will speak honestly with you, hold you accountable and help you see where your own emotions or fatigue are blocking you, all combine to create success in being the best version of yourself that you can be. “

3.  “Coaching with Dianna has given me a new level of confidence! She always reminded me to ask, “What is God saying to me right now?” and thoughtfully answer. Even once coaching ended, I still think through how to be intentional in my different life accounts. She helps you identify what your life dream is, and cheers you to go after it and find practical steps to get there!

  Q6.)In order to get the most from life coaching, what advice would you give someone looking to become a coaching client?

A6.)I feel it’s key to assess whether or not you are ready to make fresh changes in your life, coaching is not something you can be pushed to do, it is something you choose to engage in for your own benefit.  Are you in a place of honesty and do you feel committed to taking steps, even baby steps, to move toward fresh goals, are you willing to be kept accountable for the Action Steps you’ve committed to?   A personal readiness and commitment is key to a successful coaching experience.

It’s important to find a Life Coach that you feel you can connect with. Some folks want someone who is firm and directed while others may want someone with a stronger relational connection.  The Coaching relationship is an important one so it’s key to find the very best fit for you!

 Q7.)What current projects are you working on?

A7.)My husband and I have just completed creating an online tool for the leaders we coach. The tool is key to helping church and business leaders create coaching cultures within their organizations.  We are very excited about the growth possibilities for them!

I am starting a book for women discussing key elements we need to navigate the many seasons and assignments we encounter in our lives.  I coach so many women in numerous life transitions, some very overwhelming: aging parents, empty nest, menopause, illness, new marriage, career change, etc

How can we walk through life changes without losing ourselves in the process?

 Q8.)Any final thoughts about sharing life coaching with my blog readers?

 A8.)One of the greatest values of engaging in a coaching relationship is the opportunity to gain greater momentum in each key account in your life: faith, family, finances, health, personal/professional planning, and priority management.  Just like in sports; an athletic Coach takes raw talent and intentionally trains towards a goal.  A Life Coach will help draw out those deep longings in your heart, those goals and dreams you’ve allowed to go dormant, and will help you to see the possibilities in a whole new light!

Life Coach Interview: Dianna SalciccioliLIFE COACH BIO: Dianna Salciccioli

Dianna Salciccioli is a Professional Life/Ministry/Business Coach. She was a Ministry Coach with Ministry Coaching International for 9 years before founding Coachwell alongside her husband, Greg, in 2011.  Dianna was originally trained and certified by Building Champions as a Ministry Coach, and continued her training with Ministry Coaching International until establishing Coachwell.

Dianna has spent years as a mentor to women and teens as a pastor’s wife.  She understands the challenges and celebrations of Ministry life as has been a valued support to many ministry leaders.

Dianna is passionate about helping leaders clarify their passions, dreams big dreams, and trust in God’s heart for them as they bravely press forward to live a life full of legacy.

www.coachwell.com

Dr. Desiree Margo~~

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This past weekend my family had the pure joy of watching my amazing sister receive her Doctorate!  We are all so proud of her! At graduation we shouted, hooted, and clapped with all our might to show her how proud we are of her. Following the graduation we gave Dr. Desiree Margo gifts to further show how proud we are of her!

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However, the graduation ceremony was only a tiny reflection of the cost of earning this degree! The work, commitment, sleepless nights, numerous papers, and the dreaded dissertation required every ounce of energy she had.  While accomplishing this goal, Desiree also worked full time as a school principal of a thriving elementary school!

Why is this significant to me?  Attaining goals, especially big goals, requires commitment and sacrifice!  To move toward a fresh milestone in our lives we may have to assess our current commitments and allow ourselves to say “no” to some involvements for a season!

I am certain that late at night while working on her degree my sister must have wondered “what have I gotten myself into?”! Yet, the look on her face at graduation made it was easy to see that it had been worth the work to receive an honor given to only  1% of the population.

What about you? Are there goals you want to achieve but are afraid of the “cost”? Could focusing on this new goal (s) force you out of your comfort zone for a season? Whether attaining education, building a quality marriage, starting a business, getting healthy, writing a book, or any other goal that would be important to you; there will be adjustments needed.

Oh, but the JOY in accomplishing your goal will be so worth it! Once you begin; stay your course, dig deep, lean into your support systems, and celebrate every WIN!!

What milestone is ahead of you? No better day to get started than today! Thank you Dr. Margo for you inspiration. 🙂

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“You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.”  C. S. Lewis

So, Ya Had A Bad Day!

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Early this morning I got up considering what to write about in my Blog today. I had so many ideas, passions, and lessons learned that I planned on sharing.

 I headed to work. With windows down on this warm June morning I was looking at the mountains, grateful for the beauty I get to experience here in Bend. My heart was full as I thought about my family whispering prayers to the Lord for their week.  May they be so blessed!

THEN~~As I headed down the street to enter a roundabout that would take me to work there were cars were backed up a bit due to others either heading to work or taking their children to school. All of a sudden my peaceful experience was shattered as a man in a jeep behind me began leaning on his horn angry that he had to wait.  Every time he felt a car hadn’t entered the roundabout fast enough he screamed a string of obscenities that would embarrass even a sailor!

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As I looked in my rear-view mirror I could see his white knuckles angrily grasping his steering wheel; he wasn’t interested on his impact on others whatsoever! This morning was about him, and he wasn’t getting his way!

In the wake of his rage filled outbursts , I needed to re-group emotionally; pulling myself back together after 5 minutes of shocking adult behavior. Would I choose to give this man the freedom to ruin my day?  Would I allow him to steal my joy? I had a choice to make. I chose joy……

This experience reminded me that all too often we begin a day, purposeful and focused, ready to make a difference in our world and THEN~ we get bad news, we hear a criticism about us or our family, someone sends a hurtful email, or the World news is discouraging……do we allow these things to suck the peace out of our day? Steal our joy?  Sadly enough, we often do.

What would it look like if we “chose” Joy?  If we made an intentional effort to focus on the goodness of God, the kindness we share with friends and family, and the knowledge that God has our life in His hands? What would it look life if we refused to let anyone or anything control our emotional negatively?

In our lives challenges with come at us sideways at times; let’s stay in the drivers seat of our heart! Lead on with Joy!

“But you belong to God, my dear children. You have already won a victory over those people, because the Spirit who lives in you is greater than the spirit who lives in the world.” 1 John 4:4