kindess

My take on 50 Shades of Grey~

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My heart has felt heavy this past week.  I have been reading so many different thoughts, articles, and reviews of the movie 50 Shades of Grey.  Secretly, I had hoped it would flop at the box office, sadly it was a box office win.  I am sad that so many people are so drawn to a hurtful and harmful “pseudo love” in light of what God has designed our experience of love to be.

1 Corinthians 13 says it best”  Love is patient and kind (is not demanding nor abrupt); Love does not envy or boast ( is not prideful about a conquest); is not arrogant or rude (not manipulating and intimidating).

It does not insist on it own way (does not take affection “my way, my timing, my satisfaction”); is not irritable or resentful ( does not confuse anger and harshness with affection); it does not rejoice in wrongdoing ( does not feel empowered by breaking barriers and twisting what real love looks like) , but rejoices in the truth.

Love bears all things ( considers the needs of the one they love to be their utmost joy), believes all things ( does not establish a relationship of uncertainty and tension), hopes all things and endures all things.

People often say “what happens in the bedroom is up to each individual marriage and I would agree…to a point.  This movie gathers millions of people into a room to watch harsh, intimidating, and borderline abusive sexuality with the redemption at the end because the arrogant, narcissistic billionaire finally “falls in love”.  All wrapped up in a pretty bow! No!  What really happens is that the stage has been set for people to have their sensitivities and values worn down once again; moving hearts further and further away from the beautiful plan God had for love.

This has made me so sad.

This morning I had the refreshing joy of reading a blog by Lisa Jacobson (www.club31women) where she so beautifully listed “what makes love hot”:

1.  Love is hot when a man and women commit to stay together.

2.  Love is hot when he and she freely offer forgiveness to one another.

3.  Love is hot when he cherishes her and she respects him.

4.  Love is hot when he and she lovingly lay down their lives for each other.

5.  Love is hot when a  couple is so grateful to grow old together.

I look at my precious, innocent granddaughters face and I pray that she will experience a rich and meaningful marriage relationship full of fun, passion, and rich love completely devoid of anger, abuse, manipulation, or cruelty!

Last week I had a sweet visit with my precious mother; she and my father have been married for over 60 years!  ” How’s dad?” I asked and she said with a sparkle in her eye and a knowing smile of her face ” he’s so cute, he’s sexy”. 🙂  we giggled.

THAT is what God intended..deep,rich love and affection that stands the test of time…don’t settle for any counterfit expressions of love!  God had the right idea!! 🙂

Is it alright to have Boundaries?

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I’m a people person.  People have always mattered to me; even as a child I felt great empathy and protection for people around me.  Some would say that this is a good trait and I might too.  But love for people without boundaries can create unforeseen challenges and relational mistakes.

Let me add another layer to this discussion by saying that I am also a Christ-follower; wanting to be more like Him each day. Also, take into consideration that I was a Pastor’s wife for over 10 years and truly felt that the right answer to any request had to be “yes.” Somehow setting boundaries with people seems unloving; maybe even unkind.  Right?   Well, that’s what I felt for many years.

Some behavioural styles have an easier time saying “no”, I’m sorry I cannot help”, or “this is not a good time”; while other behavioural styles feel awful if they ever have to say “no”.  I have always admired those who have a stronger resolve with their boundaries because it is something that has taken me years to learn!!

Throughout my life time I have found myself in situations with people where I knew I wasn’t the cause and I knew I couldn’t fix the situation.  I have found myself pouring hours and hours of time into people I “hoped” would get healthier only to realize they are content with their choices.  I have protected people only to find that they were the antagonist in their situations.  I have counseled with people who later turned and said ” I was actually the problem.”

I don’t have any resentment towards those situations because I had put myself there; and I have learned so much from them over the past 10 years!

Setting boundaries helps us to manage our time better; truly investing our time and talents where we should and saying no to those situations or people who would, knowingly, drain our bandwidth to a point of “empty”!

Setting boundaries keeps us safe from engaging in emotional situations that we can’t, or shouldn’t, get caught up in.  We’ve all done it.  We’ve all found ourselves wondering “how did I get involved in this?”  Having quality relational boundaries will help us to have a better filter to know when we “should” step in and when we “should not”.  We can always pray for the situation.

Setting boundaries with our finances or personal items can help us to appropriately help other while not becoming enablers.  Consistently bailing people out, loaning money, cars, or household items can easily create resentment over time and ultimately harm the relationship we are trying to assist! Certainly there are times when sharing what we have is entirely appropriate, but there are clearly times when it is more loving to say “no”.

As a Life Coach, I have had so many conversations with amazing woman who will say, “I just can’t say No”, I don’t want to disappoint anyone”, “They’ll think I don’t care”, or “if I don’t bail them out, what will happen to them?”.  It’s hard to set boundaries.

But~ Boundaries are so necessary.

It would not be possible to enjoy healthy relationships without the existence of personal boundaries, or without our willingness to communicate them honestly with others. Setting personal boundaries can preserve the integrity of your relationships, ward off resentment, and ultimately create environments for honest conversations.

Most people are surprised when I show them from the Bible examples of Jesus setting boundaries and practicing personal soul care.  I would encourage you to read the Article ” Jesus Set Boundaries” to help you re-think about the boundaries in your own life.

http://www.soulshepherding.org/1998/07/jesus-set-boundaries/

I know this can be a challenging topic ~~ but it’s really important.

 

 

 

It’s About Making Time, Not Having Time~

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Life is busy.  Our days are filled with many meaningful activities.  Our time is divided between the needs in our homes, our children, places of employment,churches, community organizations, and IF we can fit it in, some time to exercise and care for ourselves.

We are daily, even hourly, connected to our computers or Smart phones; logging onto our mail, Facebook, Pinterest, news, or games throughout the entire day which eats up even more of our daily time spent.

So, what about taking time with friends and family members? How well do we fit in key times of connection to maintain on-going relationships with those that mean the world to us?  Do we tell ourselves we are too busy to make the time? Do we assume we’ll grab time when we can?  Think about this:

Just spending a little time with someone shows that you care, shows that they are important enough that you’ve chosen — out of all the things to do on your busy schedule — to find the time for them. And if you go beyond that, and truly connect with them, through good conversation, that says even more. Many times its our actions, not just our words, that really speak what our hearts feel. Taking the time speaks volumes!

Are you saying ” I’d love to but I really am too busy!”

  • Have five minutes? Send an email. It doesn’t take long to send an email to someone you care about, asking them how they are, wishing them a good day. And that little gesture could go a long way, especially if you follow it up over time with regular emails.
  • Have 10 minutes? Call them up. A phone call is an easy way to connect with someone. It’s conversation, without having to even get in the car!
  • Have 30 minutes? You might not get the chance to do this every day, but at least once a week, take 30 minutes to drop in and say Hello to someone you care about and just visit.(No Smart phone allowed)  It’ll be some of the best 30 minutes you’ll spend this week.
  • Have a couple hours? Grab coffee or go to lunch with a friend or loved one. Who among us doesn’t have a couple of free hours each month? Weekends, or evenings, there’s got to be a time that you spend in front of the TV or computer that could be better spent building rich relationships with those that matter to you.

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                                        Make it a priority to build rich relational connections into your schedule. Enrich your life while bringing value to those you love as well.  Don’t put it off assuming they will always be there. 🙂

Musings on Marriage~

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I am enjoying the privilege of leading a bible study with 6 precious young wives on the subject of marriage.  I am the leader of the study, yet I am a constant learner along with each one of them.  After almost 30 years of marriage I recognize that you never arrive at a PERFECT relationship.  Marriage is a process of growing and stretching through the many different seasons and changes in our lives.  Marriage is a committment to being a good friend~no matter what.

“Happily ever after is not a fairy tale. It’s a choice.”

In discussions about marriage some key issues continually come up:  communication, expectations, and forgiveness.  These areas can be where hurt and disconnect can be found. So, in light of this I wanted to offer a few thoughts that might serve to encourage you as you commit to building a rich, thriving marriage.

*   Active Listening:  taking the time to truly listen to your loved one, repeating back to them to see if you truly understood what they are trying to say, and them expressing how you imagine they might feel can bring clarity and empathy even if you don’t fully agree.  Everyone needs to have the freedom to express themselves; to be heard.  Practicing this kind of intentional listening will help build better communication and cause you to feel a greater connection to one another.

*  Balancing Expectations:  Have you ever thought through all the elements you may expect in your marriage?

  • To be able to talk everything through & find resolution
  • That we & our partner should never argue, fight or withdraw, always take care of each other & agree on everything
  • A wonderful sexual relationship, full of sexual passion
  • Each other to take their own responsibility for their own feelings, able to share love, rather than expect our partner to fill us up with their love
  • To have a lot of fun & easily laugh together
  • To have similar interests
  • Our partner to financially contribute
  • A certain level of contribution towards the household & childcare
  • Respect, admiration & deep trust
  • A relationship full of affection, holding, cuddling & kissing
  • To find each other infinitely interesting, look forward to being together & sharing ideas
  • Companionship
  • The same religious beliefs
  • Shared, common spiritual values

These elements are all good; however these areas can grow over time as the marriage matures, listening increases, and each individual grows deeper in their relationship with the Lord. Keep them as good goals but don’t expect perfection all the time.

“A great marriage is not when the ‘perfect couple’ comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.”

*  Forgiveness:   We all need forgiveness.  We all have a bad day, make mistakes, and respond improperly.  In my early years of marriage I would hold onto those things that hurt or frustrated me.  When I would do this I could easily find myself irritated by the smallest things simply because I had a stockpile of things I’d not yet forgiven. The older I get the more I recognize the huge value in keeping a short record of unforgivenes.  Fact is, I need to be forgiven often too.

“A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.”

As you celebrate Valentine’s Day this next week may you embark on the richest year of marriage ever!

Keys to key Relationships! (re-post)

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Building  Amazing Relationships!

Business group showing teamwork

Relationships can bring us our greatest joys and our deepest wounds. We can’t control how others choose to respond in their relationships with us, but we can establish our own ground rules for having and maintaining quality relationships.

Below are some thoughts to consider as you navigate the relationships in your life:

1.  Surround yourself with positive people- finding like-minded, positive people will fill your cup. Spending the bulk of your time with those who suck the happiness out of you is unwise and unhealthy.

2. Accept people just the way they are – Save yourself the needless stress of trying to change people who don’t want to change. Fight the urge to engage in fruitless conversations, rather look for areas where you can agree and show support.

3. Forgive people and move forward –  holding anger or bitterness affects us much more than the individual we have been hurt by.  Forgiveness is not saying “What you did or said was okay.”  It is saying “I’m not going to let what you did ruin my happiness or steal my joy.” It doesn’t mean you forget it simply means that you choose to let go.

4.   Do little things for those in your life –  A card, a visit, a gift, an email, a text. Simply take opportunities to connect with and appreciate those your care about.  We all feel a little more valuable when we realize that someone has been thinking of us.

5.  Talk a little less, listen a little more –  Our relationships will grow if we move away from being the talker and take the time to listen! A listening ear is the greatest gift we could give to those we love.

6.  Be Loyal – be the kind of person that believes the best about those you love. Everyone needs to know that someone “has their back”. Be that person.

7.  Pick your battlegrounds – don’t pick petty arguments. We aren’t always “right”.  Focus on the things that truly matter and let the small stuff go!

8.  Encourage and cheer them on –  be excited for those you love! Spur them on! Don’t look at their opportunities or dreams with the lens of what it will cost you, rather keep them the priority.

9.  Remember that everyone has baggage –  we all enter relationship with a suitcase filled with past experiences; successes, disappointments, hurts, etc.  Sometimes that “baggage” effects the relationship and needs to be addressed. However, using grace and understanding will always be the most fruitful approach.

10. Let go of friendships that are no longer healthy – some relationships can run their course and a necessary ending needs to take place. To force relationships to continue when the season is over can be exhausting and eventually more harmful than good.  Be willing to appreciate the relationship for what it was, and then release it and move forward.

Relationships are our most valuable assets and worth the effort to keep them strong and healthy! Test these tips out and see if they help create healthier interactions in your relationships!!  Flourish in the days ahead!!

Birthdays~

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I love birthdays, don’t you?  I love having the opportunity to celebrate a friend or family member on their “special day”.  Though most of us may not admit it,  we really do like  to have our “special day” celebrated as well.

Facebook has created a crazy phenomenon that allows ALL your Facebook Friends to know that it is your birthday and within a 24 hour period you may have well wishes and Birthday greetings from hundreds of people! It’s amazing to have greetings from everyone you know, from every season of your life, gathered on one page!!

Birthdays give us a chance to say things to others that could feel awkward saying at other times of the year:  “I love you, you matter, you are special, I care about you, I want the best for you, YOU ROCK!!”  🙂 Birthdays create the opportunity.

Birthdays are often a time we reflect on those that have passed away, our birthday thoughts are bittersweet as we remember many celebrations in days past; we miss them. We may know where they are and that they are at peace, yet on birthdays~we miss them a little bit more.

This week is my nephew, Christopher Smith’s birthday. Because I blog from my heart each week I cannot miss this chance to remember him in my writings. I miss his smile, humor, creativity, love for family, and zest for life.

With this in mind, perhaps waiting until a birthday to share those meaningful and heartfelt thoughts you have for those you know and love shouldn’t wait until a birthday~Today could be a really good day! 🙂 Grab the opportunity……

Will you really be here for the holidays?

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I love this time of year as I gear up for all of my favorite holidays in the coming months.  I anticipate celebrations with friends and family, parties to host and attend, gifts to purchase, wrap, and deliver, & lots of food to prepare. I know it will be a full season of wonderful variables.

However, in the midst of a busy holiday season I am still working, writing, and carrying on with all the responsibilities I normally have on a day to day basis. I face the question; “How can I be fully present in this season rather than being so task driven that I actually miss the valuable moments that come my way? Every year I hear myself saying, “Goodness, the holidays went by so fast!

Whether you’re feeling totally overwhelmed or slightly frustrated as you anticipate the holiday season ahead, it’s easy to lose perspective about what’s most important and valuable to you–your relationships!

Truth is we all spend most of our time in the past or the future, rather than the present moment. What we end up doing is passing through today’s moments on the way to somewhere else and, in doing so, we miss the present moment. That’s how these meaningful memories can end up passing us by!

Benefits of Being in the Moment

  1. Increased enjoyment: We will find that we enjoy life more if we’re fully present rather than having our minds elsewhere. Food tastes better, I have more fun with my family, work is more enjoyable, and laughter is sweeter when I experience them UN-distracted!
  2. Reduced stress. Worrying about the past and future can give us stress. Choosing to give ourselves permission to slow down and focus on “Today” can alleviate the stress of past regrets and the uncertainties of the future.
  3. Better relationships. When we really commit ourselves to being with someone, to listening to them,we are being a better family member, friend, teammate, and even spouse. We have better conversations. We bond with those around us!

“Life brings simple pleasures to us every day. It is up to us to make them wonderful memories.” — Cathy Allen

Enjoy the coming months to the fullest. Slow down and intentionally choose not to be so “busy-minded” but rather give yourself permission to be fully present each day!

…and may this be a very special Holiday season for you!

I Can’t Breath!

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When the door to the plane closes you will always hear the words ” …and when the oxygen mask falls make sure you put the mask on yourself before attempting to help someone else with theirs.” We get so used to hearing the steward/stewardess say these words that we may not truly understand what a profound life principal this is!

As a former Pastor’s wife and presently a Life Coach I have often found myself attempting to serve and help others when I am depleted myself. This kind of service to others is not sustainable.  I become weary, overwhelmed, and even resentful of the very people I have been caring for.

I have learned a great deal about self care over the bast 10 years and have been practicing giving myself needed permission to take time to re-fuel and re-charge my energy with rest, recreation, reciprocal relationships, and spiritual renewal.

Serving others is such a worthy focus for all our lives; there is great joy in making a difference in our families, communities, and even the world. However, we cannot consistently give out of an “empty cup”.

Assess your life today.  Are you depleted of “oxygen”? Do you need permission to take time for your own self-care? Permission granted!! What can you change today that would help you re-charge and refuel? Exercise? Earlier bedtime? Quality food? Time alone? Time with God?

Just like it is expressed on the plane~If there isn’t air in YOUR lungs you cannot give good oxygen to anyone else.

Mark 12:31 says;  Love your neighbor AS yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than this.”     (not INSTEAD of yourself – 🙂   )

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Are They Random or Divine?

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Have you ever gone to the grocery store, coffee shop, gas station, or medical office with the intent to accomplish your personal tasks when “out of the blue” you run into someone and find yourself in a short yet richly meaningful conversation?

In those encounters have you ever felt you were a meaningful source of encouragement or that you yourself walked away richly encouraged? I have!  Throughout my life I have had many of these moments that left me pondering, scratching my head and thinking “wow, I didn’t expect that today!”

I imagine I may have missed so many of these “unique connections” over the years simply by keeping a schedule so tight that I don’t even think I took time to look at those around me at all~~no margins to care.

Lately I have been trying to change the way I hustle through my day.  I have been trying to look people in the eye, to smile, or to engage in small chatter as I move through my tasks.  I have tried to choose to really listen, to care enough to pay attention and in doing so I have come to an interesting conclusion.

It appears to me that nothing happens by chance, in fact I believe these encounters are sacredly divine. In a world of disconnect, I suspect that God desires that people find connection throughout their days enough to orchestrate it, IF we are paying attention!  I find this exciting, because we never know what He might do in us and through us within the hustle and bustle of our busy lives.

We all face challenges, hurts, points of sadness, loneliness, and uncertainty.  In some of my lowest points a surprise encounter with a friend or a kind stranger has turned my day around.

Think about your own life…..Has God arranged some of these moments for you?  Imagine what God could do if we were all fully committed to watching and making room in our schedules for those moments!

Next time you go to the grocery store, test my theory and look someone in the eye, smile, and see what God might do! 🙂

Proverbs 16:24                                                                                               

Kind words are like honey–sweet to the soul and healthy for the body.

The incredible VALUE of shared experiences~

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“But we can’t right now, our lives are too busy!”

  ” I know we have some money put away but let’s just wait and see how this year goes!” 

“I’m sorry but  this is a stressful season at work!”

All valid reasons, They all make sense but perhaps we could address the core issue.

I was blessed to be raised in a family where shared experiences: meals, game nights, camping, and many other options were a rich value. These experiences tended to be the glue that connected our hearts, caused laughter, and helped remind us that we were family, even during those tough teen years.

In like fashion, my husband and I have taken time and resources to build the tradition of shared experiences into the DNA of our family; it is our prayer that they will do the same with their own families.

However, I often hear from friends and colleagues that their lives are too busy, finances too tight, relationships too challenged, and ideas too hard to come by when looking into the possibility of a vacation, or other experience opportunities.

I used to have the idea that making memories could be something we can do “later on”, in a few years, down the road but after losing a precious family member last year my filter has done a 180 degree change.  None of us can count on tomorrow, nor can we count on the fact that we will always have all our family members or our health.

You might say that this is a fearful approach to life; pessimistic perhaps, but I would differ with you and would clarify that it is due diligence to “seize the day”.  Lay down those aforementioned excuses and plan a vacation, have game nights, go on hikes, cook together, dream together, do life together.  The real cost is your time and today is all you know for sure.

Over 24 months ago we took an untimely (and a kind of expensive) trip to Southern California to visit precious family there, went to Disneyland with them and had a very special shared experience with them all……   It was the last time I got to laugh with Christopher……………….It is more priceless a memory than I could have ever imagined!

We are embarking on the doorway of summer!! Use this time to lay down the cell phone, computer, daily worries and make fresh memories and meaningful connections with those you have the privilege to love!! Make a summer list and begin today!