permission

Empty Tank?

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 Your tank is empty because you drained it.

While driving my car I tend to forget all about my gas tank UNTIL the red light goes on and alerts me to the fact that I am running low on gasoline. I respond according to my personality by waiting a day or two “certain” that I’m not that low and the car can run a little longer.

Unfortunately, so many of us run ourselves that same way with the exception that the  warning that we are “getting low” on fuel may look like exhaustion, challenged relationships, a health crisis,  or even depression.

Just like in my car I am the one responsible to fill up my own gas tank.

Emails, phone calls, to-do lists, and texts force us to continually engage in on-going information 24-7.  When are we done with work?  When will we walk away from all the “screens” in our lives and take a walk or engage in a hobby that re-fuels us? Perhaps today we need to declare out-loud ” I give myself permission to rest.”

As a Coach I often use the example given on the airplane by the stewardess: ” in a crisis place the oxygen mask on yourself before attempting to help anyone else!”  Have you made yourself a priority on your calendar? Do you have weekly practices that keep your “tank” above the EMPTY line? What are the activities that drain your “tank”?  Is there anything you need to stop or start in order to maintain a healthier balance?

Take a moment today consider your energy level.  Is there a RED LIGHT on that you are ignoring?   Remember, you are responsible to manage your own “gas tank” so “Fill’er up!”  🙂

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Yes, Of Course!!

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“Yes, I’d be glad to” is often a sentence we say way too quickly!  Everyone wants to be helpful, to be a team-player, and be seen as a leader; there’s nothing wrong with any of those motivations. However, is our “yes” actually helpful or necessary? Is our “yes” the right thing for our family, our schedule, and our physical/emotional bandwidth?

In my early college years, with a solid school schedule, I found it challenging to navigate my studies, my social life, my work life, and my church involvement.  I found myself overwhelmed with the people and involvements I had said “yes” to.  Wanting to be liked, wanting to be seen as helpful, wanting to be sure I wasn’t left out, caused me to become fatigued. I felt like I couldn’t keep up with the demands. I got behind in my studies, and I began to resent the very people and opportunities I had said “yes” to! I needed someone to give me permission to say “no”!

As a young Pastor’s wife I felt that my role was to make myself available to anyone in need and so I found myself counseling, encouraging, visiting, and meeting the needs of many, many women.  If I said “No” they would be hurt. If I said “No’ they wouldn’t see my behaviour as “Christian’, I might even risk being disliked.  Though there were many sweet and meaningful connections over the years I can be real honest and say that I needed to balance my willingness to say “yes”.  I wasn’t able to fix every situation, I wasn’t always equipped to offer the council that was needed, and sometimes the situation would have been better served by someone else.  I needed to choose my yes’ with greater wisdom.

Perhaps you find yourself challenged in navigating WHAT or WHO to say “yes” to. Perhaps you find yourself trying to rescue situations and people using time and energy that you truly do not have. Give yourself permission to set a pause-button between being asked and saying “yes”. Make your choices based a fresh filter:

1.Can I?

2. Should I?

3. Is this someone else’s responsibility?

4. What other commitments will suffer if I do?

5.  What is my motivation to say “yes”?

There are many wonderful and meaningful people/situations to say a confident “yes” to! We are called and gifted to have great impact on the lives and opportunities all around us.  However, if you find yourself overwhelmed, stressed, resentful, feeling used, or just simply tired due to all you have committed to; give yourself permission to take a good look at your commitments and make the needed changes! 🙂

Overcommitment – To promise, undertake, or allocate more than the available resources justify.  To bind or obligate oneself beyond the capacity for realization.

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Here come the Holidays~Ready or not!

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Welcome to the holiday season — that whirlwind of gift-giving holidays, marketing blitzes, holiday parties and activities galore that begins right after Halloween, builds to Thanksgiving, and continues gaining momentum through the end of the year. You are probably asking yourself, as I am~ How did the holidays get here so fast? 🙂

With all the joys of the holiday celebrations there are also stresses, right?  Every year we commit to ourselves that we will slow down and truly appreciate all that the holidays represent, spiritually and relationally.  Yet, as the holidays roll around again we tend to replay the manic pace of holidays gone by.

Perhaps this is the year to experience the holidays in a fresh way by making some changes that will produce a fresh outcome:

1.  Give yourself permission to say “no” to some activities.  Choose the events you attend well so that you don’t feel like you are “running” all the time.  When you manage your schedule in a manic pace you won’t really have the energy to be present and truly enjoy the memories you have the opportunity to make!

2.  Give yourself permission to keep gift-giving within your budget.  Going into debt, no matter how much you love your family and friends, creates stress!  Think about creative ways to show how much you care.  Some of the sweetest gifts I’ve received over the years were thoughtful and simple; special thoughts,  sweet treats, homemade crafts, etc.  Knowing someone took their time to bless me really meant a lot!

3.  Give yourself permission to reflect on what the holidays mean to you.  Don’t run so fast that you don’t allow yourself to take quiet time to think about the richer meaning of Thanksgiving and Christmas for you.  Beyond the gifts, the food, and the activities; What do they mean to your heart?  Take time to be thankful, reflect on all that the Lord has done for you.

4.  Give yourself permission to change old traditions.  Sometimes we can maintain traditions that are time-consuming and lack the meaning they may have had in years gone by.  Or perhaps there is a simpler way to achieve the same goal.  Consider all the details you expect to cover in the short holiday season and take an honest inventory of the “cost” of pressuring yourself to accomplish them all.

5.  Give yourself permission to bless others.  The holidays can be so fun but they are also a huge season of sadness and loneliness for many people.  Make it a priority to be mindful of the needs in your family, neighborhood, or community.  Lending a loving hand will fill your heart with the true meaning of the holidays!

6.  Give yourself permission to keep your “self-care” in tact!  Don’t abandon your healthy eating and sleep schedule whenever possible. Keep exercising; take a long walk, add a yoga class, anything that helps you maintain energy, and helps wear off those extra holiday treat calories! 🙂

This year, just tweak a few old habits and see if you can breeze through the holidays with greater joy! Happy Holidays!

 

Is it alright to have Boundaries?

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I’m a people person.  People have always mattered to me; even as a child I felt great empathy and protection for people around me.  Some would say that this is a good trait and I might too.  But love for people without boundaries can create unforeseen challenges and relational mistakes.

Let me add another layer to this discussion by saying that I am also a Christ-follower; wanting to be more like Him each day. Also, take into consideration that I was a Pastor’s wife for over 10 years and truly felt that the right answer to any request had to be “yes.” Somehow setting boundaries with people seems unloving; maybe even unkind.  Right?   Well, that’s what I felt for many years.

Some behavioural styles have an easier time saying “no”, I’m sorry I cannot help”, or “this is not a good time”; while other behavioural styles feel awful if they ever have to say “no”.  I have always admired those who have a stronger resolve with their boundaries because it is something that has taken me years to learn!!

Throughout my life time I have found myself in situations with people where I knew I wasn’t the cause and I knew I couldn’t fix the situation.  I have found myself pouring hours and hours of time into people I “hoped” would get healthier only to realize they are content with their choices.  I have protected people only to find that they were the antagonist in their situations.  I have counseled with people who later turned and said ” I was actually the problem.”

I don’t have any resentment towards those situations because I had put myself there; and I have learned so much from them over the past 10 years!

Setting boundaries helps us to manage our time better; truly investing our time and talents where we should and saying no to those situations or people who would, knowingly, drain our bandwidth to a point of “empty”!

Setting boundaries keeps us safe from engaging in emotional situations that we can’t, or shouldn’t, get caught up in.  We’ve all done it.  We’ve all found ourselves wondering “how did I get involved in this?”  Having quality relational boundaries will help us to have a better filter to know when we “should” step in and when we “should not”.  We can always pray for the situation.

Setting boundaries with our finances or personal items can help us to appropriately help other while not becoming enablers.  Consistently bailing people out, loaning money, cars, or household items can easily create resentment over time and ultimately harm the relationship we are trying to assist! Certainly there are times when sharing what we have is entirely appropriate, but there are clearly times when it is more loving to say “no”.

As a Life Coach, I have had so many conversations with amazing woman who will say, “I just can’t say No”, I don’t want to disappoint anyone”, “They’ll think I don’t care”, or “if I don’t bail them out, what will happen to them?”.  It’s hard to set boundaries.

But~ Boundaries are so necessary.

It would not be possible to enjoy healthy relationships without the existence of personal boundaries, or without our willingness to communicate them honestly with others. Setting personal boundaries can preserve the integrity of your relationships, ward off resentment, and ultimately create environments for honest conversations.

Most people are surprised when I show them from the Bible examples of Jesus setting boundaries and practicing personal soul care.  I would encourage you to read the Article ” Jesus Set Boundaries” to help you re-think about the boundaries in your own life.

http://www.soulshepherding.org/1998/07/jesus-set-boundaries/

I know this can be a challenging topic ~~ but it’s really important.

 

 

 

Wonderfully Made~

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Give yourself permission to pause and declare with the psalmist, “I am fearfully and wonderfully made” Psalm 139:14

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Can you list the many gifts and talents God has placed within you?  Do you give yourself permission to appreciate those elements inside of you that make you unique; special?  Do you say to yourself “I can’t focus on who I am. It’s selfish.” Feeling appreciative for who we are feels wrong somehow.

BUT…….

The truth is that choosing to embrace our value, all of who we are, is very unselfish as it maximizes our ability to serve others; to have on-going impact.  When we recognize our strengths we can find a way to use them well.  If you are gifted to write there are unlimited ways for you to to help others, if you are gifted with a strong detail orientation you can bring great value to a team, if you are gifted with a great voice you can use your gift to encourage others through song, and if you are gifted as a counselor or listener you can be a safe place for others to land; you can help people heal.

Certainly, there are areas of challenge in our lives and frankly, many of us find it easier to list our challenges rather than our strengths. Why is that?  How about taking some time to simply list the gifts God has placed inside of you, list also the ways that they are or could be expressed in your life. Get excited about the fact that you are Wonderfully Made!

“God thank you for creating me with gifts. I’m grateful for the strengths that you’ve placed within me and the ways those are expressed as actions through my skills. I humbly acknowledge that I do have something to offer and that you have made me to make a difference. Amen”                                                                                                        (Opening the Door to your God-sized Dream ~Holly Gerth)

It’s a Screen Free Day!! Enjoy it!!

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On a trip to Kauai a couple years back Greg and I went on a Catamaran Excursion.  We love to to that; just to get out on the vast open sea looking for dolphin, flying fish, turtles, and perhaps even a whale or two!! On this particular trip we were most struck by something else we saw~~ a couple who were aboard spent the entire trip using their cell phones at opposite ends of the boat!! They didn’t really interact much, appreciate the view, or enjoy the romance of it all. Nope~ on their phones the entire time!!

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Recently, at one of my favorite restaurants I looked across the crowded room only to observe a family of 5 having dinner together.  Well, actually they were eating in each others presence, but they were all on their “smart phones” sending texts or playing games! So much for their family dinner!

Driving home from work I always pass a great little park filled with kids; there’s a climbing wall, fun slide, and lots of room to run.  Along the outside of the park there are places for parents to sit to watch there kids playing.  This particular day  I observed that 4 out of the 5 moms had their eyes firmly fixed on the screen of their “smart phones” missing out on the fun and giggles coming from their young children!

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Yesterday, a gal driving a small car right behind me on the overpass continually came up too close behind my car as I headed home.  Looking in my rear view mirror I could see that she was looking down at her lap sending and reading texts the entire time, rarely looking up to see what was ahead.  Had I needed to stop quickly we would have been in a frightful situation!

So, I think it’s time for everyone to start to take some “Screen Free” time!! Catch your breath, disconnect from social media and your phone for a little while.  Remember back in the “old days” when we would come home and get our phone messages? Back when we weren’t so readily accessible?

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Read, connect with a friend face to face, play with your kids, go for a walk~~ so many wonderful things to enjoy!  Give yourself permission to regularly disconnect from your screen, any screen, and fully engage in your life in fresh ways!  It’s the weekend, try it today! 🙂

Time to sail away from the shore~

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During the past week I came across a quote that caught my attention right away; I felt that it embodied how I feel about this season of life.

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” – Mark Twain

As a young girl I don’t think I would have called myself brave or daring, rather I was most comfortable with things that were steady and safe.  Certainly I could get excited about the “idea” of taking big, bold action but in the end I would always stay safely on shore!

I believe that my fear of failure kept me on tasks and in situations that had fairly sure outcomes, no real risk or adventure involved. I never wanted to feel the weight of personal disappointment nor did I want to disappoint anyone. Thus, I did very little that was competitive in my early years.

In High School I branched out and joined the Swim Team; practicing hard to prepare for the swim meets on the weekends.  I remember one particular swim meet where I realized no one was in the lanes next to me and I felt a twinge of excitement that, perhaps, I was going to be the first one to the finish line. As I pulled to the edge of the pool with all the speed I could muster I popped my head out of the water to find that, actually, I was the last one in! That was my last swim meet.

Today, with years of hindsight under my belt, I fully recognize the value of taking risks, challenging myself, throwing off extreme cautions that choke my ability to dream, and giving myself permission to “fail forward.” Without being free to “sail away from the Harbor” I would never have had the life I have full of rich memories, opportunities, relationships, and fresh challenges!

Everyday I learn that life is short, mistakes only cause me to grow, challenges strengthen my resolve, and risk makes me depend more on God in every way. So, 20 years from now I don’t want a laundry list of things I should have done; wanted to do~yet feared exploring! Rather I would love to have a journal full of memories, experiences, and adventures to recall with satisfaction!

What about you? Playing it safe, hugging the shoreline? Perhaps today is your day to explore what it would look like to “catch the trade winds in your sails.”  Dream big! 🙂

Spin Class~

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Up at 5am, I am blurry-eyed as I grab my Spin Shorts and tennis shoes! With the loving encouragement of my Daughter in law who joins me; I hop in the car and head to the Athletic club for the early morning Spin Class.

I have noticed something about me; if I think about an hour of Spinning I feel overwhelmed by the daunting ride ahead. However, as the instructor leads us to ride in intervals time just flies!  When we are asked to push HARD I am sure I can do it for 3 or 4 minutes knowing there is an end in sight.

There is a part of a Spin class that I didn’t anticipate and that is the value, the necessity of what the instructor calls “Recovery”. This is when we’ve pushed really hard for an interval and we are asked to remove any bike tension making it really easy to pedal. This allows our heart rate to go down a little and helps with the lactic acid in our legs. Then, after a brief recovery, we up the pace and the tension and we ride hard again.

This morning I was thinking about the need for “recovery” in our lives.  How often do we push ourselves in our lives without taking dearly needed recovery time? We keep working harder, moving faster, all the while hoping we can sustain the pace. However, the only real sustainable way to have a healthy, fruitful life is to have the ebb and flow of hard work and “recovery”.

What could recovery look like in your life? A long walk, painting, mountain bike ride, a nap, reading a book, time with a valued friend or family member, a slow cup of coffee, time spend in your Bible, or going on a long run?  Think about the pace of life you have been managing lately and see if you need to insert a little more recovery into your calendar.  Give yourself permission to step away and catch your breath.

I know for certain that if my Spin instructor required us to maintain a high intensity for the entire hour, many of us would not return, some might simply pass out. I am thankful for “recovery” after a revved up interval……………..even if it is 5:30 in the morning! 🙂

Giving Myself Permission in 2013~

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PERMISSION ~ the authorization to DO something, to permit an ACTION.

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As I look toward the year ahead I am convinced that I don’t have a desire to create a list of New Year Resolutions; rather I am giving myself permission to think and act in a fresh way.

Giving myself “permission” allows me to shift my mindset from what I think I SHOULD do, to choosing what is right for me in this season of my life.  Doing the best thing, making good choices, and being mindful of faith and reputation are not discounted at all in this. Rather, I am giving myself the freedom to be more authentic, creative, balanced, and honest this year.

I am excited about this.

As a Life Coach I interact with many women and I often hear them say ” I just can’t seem to give myself permission to…………………..”.  So often we are fully engaged in being mothers, employees, partners, siblings, volunteers, church members, etc.  Stepping back to consider what we may truly want,  to re-ignight dreams that may have left dormant long ago, or to begin to create a different type of life schedule just feels foreign to us.  Perhaps, 2013 could be a different kind of year for you…IF you give yourself permission.

This year I give myself permission to:

1.  Set Boundaries.  Where am I needed the most?  What involvements line up with my values? For my limited amount of time, where are my gifts and talents best put to use? With this filter firmly set I give myself not to feel guilty when it is best that I say “NO” to good opportunities that would keep me from doing what is great!

2.  Have Sad Days. Seriously, sometimes I am just sad. Kids are grown, life is changing so fast, friends pass away, our economy is challenged, and there is constant uncertainty. I have a strong faith in God and His ability to care for me but life can still be challenging and confusing. Sometimes I get sad. This year I will not feel guilty for this but rather I will let myself acknowledge the sadness and take a day for some good Old Fashioned self care!

3.  Forgive.  Over the past few years I have truly begun to learn that allowing myself to forgive is a gift I give myself.  This year I give myself permission to forgive those who may have hurt me, misjudged me, or spoken ill of me. Truth be known, I have hurt others in my life ( intentionally or unintentionally), so I need the same mercy I give myself permission to give! I may move into those relationships with new cautions, but I choose to forgive.

4.  Explore New Ideas.   I have loved hearing of friends in their 40’s and 50’s who have chosen to go back to school ( nursing, teaching, etc). I love hearing about friends who have written books, run marathons, learned a new language, or have started an impacting non-profit! I give myself permission this year to do some exploring. What might be new and exciting for me? What might stretch and grow who I am? I simply give myself permission to explore!!

5. Make Some Noise.  This Christmas my mother gave me a fun, whimsical calendar!  Reading through it I was tickled by some of the writings there that captured a bit about my personality in this season.   “Now, be a good girl and don’t make waves!  That’s the most ridiculous statement I have ever heard! Not only do I plan on making waves, I am trying to figure out how to start a typhoon and really rock the world!!”   You just gotta chuckle.  However, this year I do give myself permission to be honest, to disagree when I do, and to give my honest thoughts even if they may not line up with someone else. ( Speaking the truth in love of course.)

Need to give yourself permission to make changes, re-assess your present choices and consider some new approaches?  Set aside a day in the week ahead to consider this question and bravely move forward.

Happy, wonderful New Year to you!!

” I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up!”

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I remember in High School I had a Gymnastics Physical Education class for 3 months.  I loved climbing on the Uneven Bars learning to flip and spin. I even loved learning the ends and outs of the Mat exercises. But the biggest challenge for me was that crazy Balanced Beam! Once I climbed up and looked the length of the beam I began to panic, followed by weaving back and forth.  More often than not, I fell.

The same could be said of our lives. It doesn’t take much to upset the balance of our days.  Saying yes to too many good things, not leaving time for self-care, spiritual connection, or caring relationships makes the “length if the beam” daunting.

What if~~instead of being so incredibly busy , saying yes to everything that comes our way (and feeling guilty if we don’t), we only said yes to those things we are passionate about?  What if we only said yes to the ones we feel the Lord has clearly put on our hearts, and confidently said no to the rest?  What if we earnestly sought the Lord and His direction for the plans we make for our days?

Certainly, there is the grocery shopping, laundry, houses to clean, children to love, spouses to care for, friends to connect with, occupations to excel in. However, I wonder if we add way more things to our plates than is actually required of us.

What if you were granted permission to say no to obligations that take your life out of balance? What if you had permission to “pencil yourself into your calendar” to ensure that you had time to re-group and recharge? What if……………..?

I tend to write on the subject of Life Balance quite often because I see so many wonderful people over-extended, tired, stressed, unhealthy, and fretful. These are great people with kind hearts who desire to be “team-players”. However, being off- balance as a life-style can take a toll on us.

The holidays are around the corner.  What do you need permission to say no to this year so that you can fully enjoy and embrace this wonderful season with peace, joy, enough time to celebrate with those you love?  You have permission. 🙂