words

The Cost of a Toxic Conversation~

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Have you ever walked away from a conversation feeling like you’ve just been sucker-punched?  Have you ever walked into a discussion that took a shocking turn and you suddenly felt you were being verbally attacked?   Have you ever let yourself stew over an offense or misunderstanding only to find yourself the perpetrator of a harmful toxic conversation?  I imagine, in our lifetime, that we would have to say “yes” to these questions.

Conversations of this nature NEVER bear any fruit and truly,and the energy it takes to try to “take back” what has been expressed can simply be wasted time; angry words spoken are a lot like a feather pillow~ Once the feathers are out you can never, ever put them back again.  Marriages, families, companies, churches, and friendships have been ruined by toxic conversations.

We may never be able to fully control how someone else conducts themselves in a conversation. However, there are some key elements that can help each of us to notice when we are initiating or engaged in a toxic conversation:

1.   Your body will feel the tension. (jaws, hands, heartbeat, etc.)

2.  You feel you are 100% sure that you are 100% right! (in every challenge we have to own our contribution.)

3.  The conversation has become unfruitfully repetitious. You find yourself saying the same thing over and over and over with no sign of resolve.

4.  You find yourself using terminology that is offensive and hurtful; attacking angrily making personal jabs that you know will wound.

5.  You know in your head that the conversation is getting worse and worse but you give yourself permission to keep trying to “Win” this discussion. You ignore even your inner voice that tells you to end the conversation.

I don’t believe that most of us engage in Toxic conversations on a regular basis, but frankly, even one can cause incredible damage to all those who engage in it!  Our best decision is to choose to be aware of ourselves in a challenging situation or relationship and make a decision ahead of time not to initiate or engage in it!

I’m a firm believer in crucial conversations; we all have to have difficult discussions from time to time and “done well” there can be resolve, understanding, forgiveness, or even a decision to agree to disagree. But~~a toxic conversation only causes harm!

Colossians 4:6 “Let your conversation be gracious and attractive so that you will have the right response for everyone.”

 

The Words We Say~

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When I was a little girl we used to take long road trips in the big family car.  My parents would get us up early; often before the sun was up to get on the road with the promise of syrup covered pancakes further down the road. Sometimes we would return from our trips late, late at night; everyone would seem to fall asleep~ Except me ( I can’t sleep in moving vehicles!) and my father who would always drive.  As a little girl I had anxiety that my dad would also doze off as the driver so I would sit behind him and try to continually engage in conversation with him. I needed to know he was wide awake!! I think I thought I was somehow doing him a favor~~I am sure I must have driven him crazy!!  I remember one particular time that he turned to me and said “You just talk too much!!”  He had every right to say that; but my little heart was wounded that day.  The OUCH of words.  My father is a wonderful, wonderful man, one of my greatest supporters in my life, but he must have been so exasperated with his chatty daughter!!  Interestingly enough though, I still remember how it made me feel as a little girl.   I remember that it made me wonder if what I said held value.

Our words.

I can remember as a young mother mindlessly making statements to my sons in frustration or weariness. These words were irritable and negative.  I am sure that these words hurt their feelings. These words did not bring “Life”. Looking back I probably owe them many apologies for things I said in haste!

Our words.

It’s funny how our words can impact lives so deeply, for good and for harm. Statements like ” don’t be stupid”, “you’re just not good at that”, “you’re a pest”, or “can’t you be more like  ___________” are so harmful!  These words cannot bear fruit in anyone.  Sadly enough, sometimes we say these things to ourselves long before anyone ever says them to us!! These words cause us to become downcast and insecure; hopeless!

Hawk Nelson has a new song out called “WORDS” where some of the words say:

Words can build us up, words can break us down,

Start a fire in our hearts or put it out!

Let my words be life……………….

However, the impact of statements like ” yes, you can!”, “You are full of potential, “I enjoy being with you”, and “sky’s the limit for you!” have equally as powerful an impact on us! These words breathe life helping us to dream and believe in the possibilities; hope filled!

How do you speak to your spouse, your children, co-workers, or extended family?  Do your words bring life? Are you intentional and mindful about what you say? That little old “Golden Rule” still applies “Do (say) unto others as you would have them do (say) unto you! 🙂

But if you need a little more back up the bible is full of verses on the power of the words we say ~ so it must be an important issue for us all to address!!

Proverbs 16:24        Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body.

Matthew 15:18       But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person.

Proverbs 25:11       A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver.

Colossians 4:6       Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.

Life is full of challenges for us all~ we all want to be around people who breathe life with their words….so let’s BE those people! 🙂

Birthdays~

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I love birthdays, don’t you?  I love having the opportunity to celebrate a friend or family member on their “special day”.  Though most of us may not admit it,  we really do like  to have our “special day” celebrated as well.

Facebook has created a crazy phenomenon that allows ALL your Facebook Friends to know that it is your birthday and within a 24 hour period you may have well wishes and Birthday greetings from hundreds of people! It’s amazing to have greetings from everyone you know, from every season of your life, gathered on one page!!

Birthdays give us a chance to say things to others that could feel awkward saying at other times of the year:  “I love you, you matter, you are special, I care about you, I want the best for you, YOU ROCK!!”  🙂 Birthdays create the opportunity.

Birthdays are often a time we reflect on those that have passed away, our birthday thoughts are bittersweet as we remember many celebrations in days past; we miss them. We may know where they are and that they are at peace, yet on birthdays~we miss them a little bit more.

This week is my nephew, Christopher Smith’s birthday. Because I blog from my heart each week I cannot miss this chance to remember him in my writings. I miss his smile, humor, creativity, love for family, and zest for life.

With this in mind, perhaps waiting until a birthday to share those meaningful and heartfelt thoughts you have for those you know and love shouldn’t wait until a birthday~Today could be a really good day! 🙂 Grab the opportunity……